Friday, February 7, 2020

On The Horizon

I have been watching the gymnast's posts on Instagram as she makes her way through Europe.  She spent the first week in Amsterdam and is now in Germany.  She does not post often but when she does they are playful and fun.  I am glad for her.  I only wish she was not going to be away for three months.  I have been making attempts to meet people on Bumble and Plenty of Fish but to be honest, no one strikes my interest.  I find myself going back to Seeking Arrangements and looking for another Gymnast.

My conversations with Billy always set me off in the wrong direction.  Suddenly I find myself racing to keep up with here in some marathon toward happiness.  In reality I should be happy already.  My life is calm and I have the ability to enjoy the experiences that come to me. 

Billy isn't happy. Her life is not better since she left me.  She is no closer to being happy.  She is in the same predicament different house. Tinkerbell said, "She is with Walmart and you were Target."
She may have fallen in love with someone else but it has not brought her closer to the life she dreams about.  That life is still a long upward climb.

Despite the break-up, the mysterious pains in December and my father's death I have managed to  do more than sit around.  I started yoga and I am in better shape than I have been in 35 years. I have more disposable income and I met the Gymnast, who is a lot better in bed than Billy.  Who knows when she returns, she may still want to go to Vegas with me too and we may just pick up where we left off which would be fine with me.

Still, Billy leaving strikes directly at the core of my issues and I am not sure why.  Whenever I have been left by a woman someone better has come along.  When my ex divorced me, I ended up meeting Tinkerbell.  Tinkerbell has become like family and I know she will always be there for me.  When Tinkerbell and I broke up I met Billy and although it was a struggle at first, I loved being with Billy and our time together really healed me.

Looking back I am glad I got divorced.  I am glad Tinkerbell and I are friends and not lovers and I am glad I am not dealing with Billy and her addiction.  Someone better is on the horizon.  It just takes time. I need to remember that.


  1. I tell myself "bigger and better things are the way", I'm not sure I believe it, but I am certainly working through my goals one inch at a time.

    I don't think Billie has been happy for a long time, despite your best efforts. I think she may have been happy in those moments of euphoria when using, but after that? Shame, depression, withdrawal until can use again. You know how it goes.

    1. Maybe you are right. Maybe her falling for this new guy was just another attempt at getting a fix to pull her out of her grind. It doesn't seem to be working though does it.

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