Thursday, February 6, 2020

Change

I removed the futon from the basement.  It is uncomfortable and takes up a lot of space.  Space I would like to use to workout.  My initial plan was to get Max (my youngest) to help lug it out to the curb but when Tinkerbell heard of my plan, she decided she would like it.  Last night Max and I lugged it over to here condo and I set it up, including modifying the side legs. 

Tinkerbell strives to reduce her environmental foot print.  When she is doing something she takes it to extremes.  She never sits still.  It is a trait that I have always seen in her.  I think it stems from a lack of desire to self reflect and face her issues.  Anyway, against my warnings she decided she wanted to the futon.

Her black kitten curiously circled me while I worked at tightening bolts.  When my phone rang I ask her son, The T-Rex, to see if a name appeared.  It was Billy.  I didn't answer.  It was not the time for a long drawn out conversation.  I did call her back once I was home and settled in for the night.  She was driving.  Our last text message conversation did not set right with her.  She was attempting to mend fences.  

It was hard for me at first.  I still have deep emotions when it comes to Billy and our break-up.  It is clear she is moving on.  Clear that she was moving on even before she left.  I cannot say this new guy is a loser.  He just bought a house and a car.  Neither are probably top of the line but they are probably what you would expect for a young couple just starting out.  Billy's money still goes to drugs so he is obviously taking care of her.  The same way I used to take care of her.  It is probably not the right thing for her, but she wants to get clean.  Hopefully she will.

It is hard to see here happy.  It would be hard to see her failing.  It is hard to see her without me and with someone else.  Each conversation with Billy is a step backwards for me.  An encounter that takes days to recover from but that is how you mend things.

 I need our past to mean something.  I seem to still define myself by what I do for others.  That is my issues. Something I need to explore.  I need to remember I did my best when I was with Billy.  I cannot go back and fix any mistakes, nor can I control what the future holds for either of us.  I need to focus on the present and let go of the rest.

Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.
Hearts and thoughts they fade, fade away.. Elderly Woman Behind a Counter in a Small Town, Pearl Jam

3 comments:

  1. I love the cover of the EP to Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town, behind her are rows and rows of cans of jam...Pearl jam...

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  2. Not the person I picture when I think of that song :)

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