Demons

When the days are cold and the cards all fold

And the saints we see are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail and the ones we hail
Are the worst of all and the blood's run stale

I want to hide the truth, I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come... Demons, Imagine Dragons

My mind is fixated on the past--balancing on a fine line between hate and love. The love is masked as indifference, but that is just a lie I tell myself.  I am torturing myself, and I don't know how to break free.

When things are quiet, and let me be honest, they are quiet too often. I lash out at Billie in my thoughts. I can have a vicious tongue, even in thought. I need to let it go, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. It has been eighteen months now. I try reminding myself that things are not worse. They are just different without Billie. 

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On another note, I received the first Phizer vaccine shot yesterday. I do not have any side effects today. The damage to my ceiling is minor, but I am taking Dave's advice and getting the ceiling replaced.  I'd do it myself, but the ceiling is 7.5 x 8.5, which means it would take three pieces of drywall and a lot more mudding than I feel like doing on a ceiling. I am currently getting the insurance company run around and will be totally frustrated before this is through.

I will probably decide it is easier to just do it myself in the end.