Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Another Departure

 Firefly went out yesterday evening to get Suboxone. She returned later than expected with three, but it was evident right away she returned with other drugs. She stayed up late hiding in the bathroom complaining about stomach issues, but I wasn't buying it.

"You've been in there for an hour and a half,  don't try telling me you aren't smoking crack," I text her.

"I'm on the toilet," she replies.

"Yes, smoking crack. I told you not to go out. That would have solved all your problems."

I went to bed. There was no use arguing with her in the middle of the night. When I woke at 4:30 in the morning, she was not next to me. She was downstairs. 

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm sitting downstairs. I want to take a bath. They say baths help with digestion issues." 

I went over to the spare bathroom and looked into her robe pockets while she was downstairs. The cigarette lighter in one pocket yesterday was missing, and the green cord she uses to tie off had returned.

I ask her, "the green cord is back; does that mean you are shooting up too?" There was no doubt she was smoking crack.

"Don't worry about it. I'll leave after I take a bath and hopefully go to the bathroom."

While I was exercising on my bike in the basement, she packed her things. Firefly descended the basement stairs wearing jeans, a black cami that exposed her midriff, and a beige thigh-length sweater. I was playing a game on my phone while pedaling. Her sudden presence startled me. She had done her make-up. She looked good but a little thin. Though, I know the long sleeves of her sweater were covering bruised arms and fresh needle marks.

Firefly asked me to help her load her belongings into her car, and I did. We said a quick good through the car window. "I hope you find what you need," told her.

She pulled out of the garage. I motioned for her to hand me the garage door opener on her visor. Firefly rolled down the window and handed me the small plastic opener. I squeezed her hand a few moments, then she was gone.

Later, strolling through the house, cleaning counters, and taking inventory of what she left behind, I found myself feeling as if I had failed too. The house feels quiet and empty now. It is just my perception of the surroundings, but it is a reflection of how I feel inside. 

8 comments:

  1. I really wanted to leave a comment and to make you feel better, but I'm afraid I don't know what to say except... good riddance? Sorry, but... as much as I understand the feeling of emptiness, I still think you'll be much better off without a self destructive person around.
    I hope this doesn't sound too mean, and I hope you'll take care of yourself

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    1. I am sure you are right. It is time for me to work on myself. Again.

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  2. Going thru a similar thing with The Son. Feeling like we failed someone we have a connection with whose on a destructive path we know won't have a good outcome and we really have no actual control over is probably somewhat normal. It is just a perception, I won't tell you you're better off, you know that already, sadly, when she finds herself bottoming out tho' you're probably gonna be the one she turns to... if she has no-one else, they always end up having no-one else on that treacherous path they've chosen. The Grandson tells me to cut his Uncle loose, like I had to with others I've cared about who chose a toxic lifestyle. I know I can do it, have done it, but it's never easier no matter how many times or how many people Substance Abuse takes down. Be Well and Stay Safe... take care of you, I suspect you might be low on your own List?

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    1. I would not say I am low on my own list. I feel more in control of my own life but you are right I do need a paradigm shift.

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  3. The unfortunate truth is that success was probably not an option. Change is an internal mechanism with little regard to anything external. If anyone failed, it was her.

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    1. Complete success my not have been an option but an improvement was attainable.

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  4. This is a tough situation. I'm sure a large part of you is still screaming that you can help. How many times has she put you through this?

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    1. It is a tough situation, but I am not cutting ties with her. She is not a girlfriend and there are no feelings of betrayal. I am just setting boundaries of what I will and will not accept.

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