Two Stories

I am going to a wedding this weekend. My friend Alexis is marrying an old friend from high school. It is not a marriage of love. The guy she is marrying is morbidly obese, an alcoholic, and has several health issues. Alexis is marrying him because he has no heirs and has committed to signing her onto his health insurance and pension (he is a teacher and has good coverage).

The marriage will never be consummated. They will never live in the same house. Alexis is securing her future, although I think his life insurance will get wasted by her on booze and online gambling. For his part, the man faces his own mortality and fears dying alone.

The wedding was supposed to be a simple justice of the peace affair. Few were supposed to know about it, but the man has since invited twenty members of his family and friends. Alexis has invited two, Sam and me.

I warned her that this arrangement would come with a price. Alexis doesn't want the marriage to become public knowledge because she fears judgment, but I think the guy will hold it over her head. Alex thinks the guy doesn't have long to live, although he needs to live at least a year for her to get the full benefit. I warned her that the human body can take a lot of abuse and nothing is ever free.

It should be an interesting ceremony.

*     *     *

Ava is still in talks with a wealthy older man. He wants an exclusive relationship with her for two years. The man offered a place to live that would become hers after, a salary, and health insurance. In turn, he asked for an exclusive arrangement. She is not attracted to him. Ava is already looking for loopholes. The fact she went on a four-day trip to Florida with him and slept in separate rooms is telling. Ava and I will not be sleeping in different rooms when we travel to Tennessee.

Ava is already scheming up ways to continue seeing me. I am left to assume I give her something she knows she will lose, and it isn't financial security. The man's offer dwarfs anything I provide. He can take her anywhere, give her anything. Still, she wants to go to Hawaii with me.

Months ago, I deduced something happened to Ava four years ago. Ava lost her virginity at twenty-four. She is twenty-nine now. That relationship changed everything for her. She felt betrayed by him in some way that she would not go into detail, but she said he lost her trust.

I warned her this arrangement would come with an unspoken price and the benefits seem vague at best at this point. I warned if she was going to go into this, she should make sure it was on her terms. "Make a list of what you want and stick to them. You have more power here than you think. I doubt this will be the last opportunity you will get," were the words I left her with. Financial, she thinks it is a lot to give up, but I warned her it sounds like the same situation she is trying to escape, and she will not be happy.

*     *     *

I understand Alexis and Ava's motivations better than ever, but I also know that women are emotional and men are more logical. The two do not mix. The goals they want from the arrangements are not the same as the men's goals, regardless of how it is framed. You cannot buy love, and that is what these men seek. I know because I have been there. This difference in mindset will cause friction.

It has been so hard for me to get over Billie because she did love me for a time. I disagree with what Alexis and Ava are doing, but not because they take what is being offered to them. I don't think it is good for them. They will not learn to take care of themselves or live on their own terms. But, that is just my opinion-- and I think logically.

Snow, Again

 

Woke up to see this from my balcony Sunday morning. You can see the wood piled near the new construction I mentioned previously. The snow will be gone by Tuesday, but it puts a damper on the idea of Spring being on the way. Despite the snow, Max and I went to a local Lego resale shop. The roads were slick in spots, but it was a planned adventure so we headed out according to schedule.

The lego resale shop is a family-owned business. It struggled through the pandemic. They make part of their money from kids' parties and those were not happening last year. You never know what you will find in the store. They buy old sets from customers and resale parts and pieces at a significant mark-up. 

With the amount of Lego I have in my condo I could open a similar store. I have 70% of the same inventory they had on hand sitting on shelves now, but it would mean depleting my collection. I am not ready to do that yet. 

People are asking to see what stage my current creation is in, but currently, it is in pieces. The reason we ventured to the resale store was to replenish certain colors. I need more light blue for the water. You can see past images if you select the label Lego on the right.

Otherwise, my weekend was quiet. I spent a lot of time thinking about my next novel while rewatching The Magicians on Netflix. I love that show. It has excellent writing, although I think the first three seasons are the best.

The parts to repair the sun visor on the Gladiator arrived and I installed them Saturday. They seemed to work. I even reinstalled the screen on the door wall in hopes that I will be able to open it and let the air in soon.

I have to admit, I have not been very productive these past few weekends. I will blame it on the weather, but I do need to get motivated. 

Mixed Bag of Hope and Gas

 Hope and I had arranged to meet up last night, but I ghosted her instead. Hope and I talked about getting together for more than two months, but she would always back out, or the weather would get in the way. Through our brief text conversations, things with Hope never felt right. She sounded more like Firefly and less like Ava. In the end, I had an uneasy feeling about meeting her and decided to ghost her.

I woke this morning to an inch of snow on the ground. Yes, it is still coming down, but it looks like the weather will shift next week. I have been ordering parts and getting the bikes ready to ride. It will probably not happen until Ava and I get back from the caves in Tennessee.

I don't have any big plans for the weekend. I should pull out the big Lego project and decide what the next step will be. I think it will require the purchase of parts for water. March is turning out to be an expensive month. I paid $500 in taxes and software. It took $72 dollars to fill the Gladiator earlier this week and that was BEFORE gas went to over $4. It is going to make for an expansive road trip to Tennessee which is nine hours away. The trip will cost over $300 in gas alone. 

Struggling to Thrive

 Tuesday evening, Ava and I went to yoga. The class was half full. I am not sure if it is economics or covid keeping people from returning, but my guess is it is probably a bit of both. Afterward, we stopped at Krogers to pick up some items to make dinner. My kitchen is fully stocked for my needs, but it is devoid of the fresher things Ava prefers though I am getting better at picking those out. Things like mushrooms, which I don't like, tend to have a shorter shelf life and don't get eaten fast enough to keep around.

We sat on the couch after dinner. Ava picked through a container of pomegranate seeds while we talked. Ava wants to move out on her own. I think she would be happier, but she is not willing to make the commitment or sacrifices it would take. She lives in her head, dreaming of possibilities without putting plans in place that would lead her to exactly what she wants. Ava allows the distractions her current life offers to avoid making plans.

It was a good conversation, and I offered some advice. After thinking about what she said further, I will offer up more advice next time we meet. I think she should get an apartment on her own. If she needs help, people (not me) are willing to cosign for her. Ava has good credit but no rental history. She should get a full-time job. This would impede the traveling she has enjoyed lately, but the traveling is just an excuse to get away from home anyway.

Getting her own place would allow her to live life on her terms, and she could start doing the things she says she wants to do. Ava has big plans in her head, but big plans begin with little actions. I am not faulting her, but I don't think she is being offered opportunities to benefit her. There are always strings attached. She doesn't need those strings. She is not struggling to live. Ava struggles to thrive.

Ava is reluctant to live life on her terms, but she will not be happy until she does. When she does, she will make better decisions for herself. 

Frogs

 They are digging holes in the lawn in several areas around the complex. On the way home from the dentists, I asked one of the workers what the project was for. He indicated they were running gas lines to the new construction going on across from my building. 

I am disappointed by this new series of condos being built. The original plans called for a small park across from me. Those plans were scrapped when the builder redivided the land. soon I will be looking at other condo units when I step onto my balcony. I might have to start getting dressed before walking in front of the window. 

I used to know it was spring when I could open the door-wall and hear the frogs chirping at night. I doubt they will be as loud this year. It reminded me of this post. I couldn't find the original date, but Max will be twenty-three this year. 

Frogger
Originally Posted (Unkown)

"Let's pretend we are biologists searching for a frog that can cure cancer."

"What's that?"

"It's an illness you don't have to worry about Max."

Max called me this afternoon wanting to come over for his extra day as he calls them now. I picked him up and we went frog hunting at the retention pond in the subdivision near my condo complex. It was a beautiful day. The rich smell of hot tar came drifting down from the wooden bridge over the drain. We made our way down the banks slowly. Max is a good frog catcher. At his home, he always has two or three in his aquarium. Today we had no luck catching frogs, though we saw a few. Max did find a dragonfly that didn't seem to mind being caught.

We came back to the condo without a frog so we decided to color some frog pictures instead. One thing lead to another and we ended up making our own origami frogs.

At the end is our first video. Our origami frog in action. That is Max's silly voice you hear in the background.

The Dragonfly

A near catch

Max and I

My Body

Friday night, I went to dinner with Jay and his wife. We went to a noisy bar called The Hub. It has been weeks since we saw each other and it was nice to catch up. We sat at a table next to a group of eight women all close to our age (we are in our fifties). Our entrance garnished some attention from the women at the table. They were probably looking at Jay. He is much better looking than I. 

The women at the table were all overweight. I made a comment to Jay and his wife. Nodding my head to the other table I said, "This is what I deal with."

Sunday, I tried fixing the driver-side sun visor on the Gladiator. It is broken and falls out of the retention slot. It could not be fixed by me. I have to take it to a dealership, but I do not want to schedule an appointment weeks in advance and wait days for them to fix it. Some clever company made a workaround piece of plastic that will fix the issue and keep the other side from breaking. I purchased that and will install them. Hopefully, that will fix the problem. 

I put building my custom Lego project on hold in favor of building an existing Lego 3 in 1 castle. I wanted something easy to build that didn't involve me thinking.

I did a lot of other choirs around the house that left me feeling achy. My body is not what it used to be. Something I am finding hard to accept. Some days I feel like just giving up and surrendering to old age. There are days I wonder why I keep pushing myself. Who am I doing it for?  These thoughts I keep to myself, except for writing them here. 

There are days I get tired of the silence that surrounds me. It is both a prison and a life raft. It reminds me of the meme I saw over the weekend. I will not do it justice here because I don't feel like writing out the complete scientific study, but a dog raised in torture is afraid to free itself. Somedays I feel like that dog. I think a lot of people do whether they see it or not. I cannot fault others for what I do myself.

 My body tells me no, but I won't quit

Cause I want more, cause I want more
My body tells me no, but I won't quit
Cause I want more, cause I want more... My Body, Young The Giant

Not Far

 I bought  The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It is actually an interesting book. It is not earth-shaking with revelations but a gentle and readable reminder of sensible ideas. I am on the last chapter. I bought the audio too and will be listening to it while I drive.

Ava and I went to yoga last night. In typical Ava fashion, she was a few minutes late. The girl burns the candle at both ends. She never has enough time in her day. 

At the end of the night, we were lying in bed naked and spooned together. Soft music was playing, and she opened up a bit about her parents. She said since getting the booster, her mother was peeing blood. The doctors didn't have a good reason. Her mother is still in a lot of pain from injuries in a car accident.

"The only thing I say to my father is, not far," she tells me.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

"It doesn't matter whether I'm walking out of the house with my backpack or my suitcase. When he asks where I am going, I say not far, then hit the door running like a kid."

"But you are not a kid."

"But I am."

It was an emotional conversation, and she shed tears as she spoke. A lot goes on with her that doesn't get said. Like all of us, she is a product of her upbringing and still trapped by it in many ways.