Gladiator

Monday morning.  I get out of bed and make a cup of coffee.  The nights are cooler now.  The chill lingers into the morning.  I catch up on my blogs, emails and videos through the morning.  When I do step away from the computer, I glance into the bedroom.  Firefly is tucked up under the covers peacefully sleeping and quietly snoring.  The sounds of a construction crew drift in from the door wall.  They are building a new set of condos down the block, the pounding and sawing is far enough away that the noise is peaceful.

One more week of work before I have ten days off.  It is worth using four days of vacation to get ten days in a row.  I still have five vacation days left.  I am not sure when I will use them.

I am on a pick-up truck kick again.  I cannot turn away from the Jeep Gladiator.  There is a white Gladiator with a white top coming into a local dealer.  I am interested in it.

I have been researching what my current Jeep is worth.  I can get $25,000 for it easily. That is more than Max needs for a second vehicle.  I will help him buy something in the $10,000 to $12,000 range.  I will probably sell my Jeep out right.  I don't want Firefly driving a new Jeep Gladiator into the city.  I'll keep the old one around until she goes to rehab then I'll clean it up and sell it.  I hope she will be going to rehab by the end of September.  She says she is making plans but I have not heard her vocalizing them.

Michigan DMV angst

I have not been writing here our working on my memoir much this month.  Firefly has thrown my routine off.  I am easily distracted by a naked girl and she is often in some stat of undress.  It just goes to show a relationship makes me complacent.  I am lazy by nature.  I blame it on the increased serotonin that comes with having a consistent sex life.

My friends are beginning to notice my absence too.  They think I am avoiding going out because of the virus when in reality Firefly is usually using the Jeep at night.  She has close to $1000 but she needs more like $3000 for a car she can rely on for more than a few months.  Our other obstacle is the DMV.  It is impossible to get an appointment.  Because of the virus situation the police are allowing people to drive with expired tags and improper credentials if you have an appointment with the DMV.  Firefly has a standing appointment in November but that will not help her if she gets pulled over.

I would prefer her to just go to rehab now.  Take a plane flight to California or Florida and start the process but even that has obstacles because she has lost her ID and cannot get on a plane.  She needs to go to the DMV to get that replaced too.  It is frustrating.  One agency is causing her so many issues.  Including not being able to get access the her other car that was impounded.

What Is Love

Took my love, I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?...Landslide, Fleetwood Mac

Firefly is sleeping on her back next to me.  She is lying above the covers and snoring. She is naked except of a pair of black panties.  When she wakes I ask her, "Have you ever been diagnosed with sleep apnea?"

She looks at me confused.  "No why?"

"Because you stop breathing when you sleep.  At first I thought it was the dope, but Billie never stopped breathing."

"No one has ever mentioned that before," she tells me.

"You need a CPAP machine.  I think you were miss diagnosed."  Firefly takes Seroquel to help her sleep at night.  "You are just not getting a good nights sleep." 

"My mom has a CPAP machine, but she never uses it."

I wave my hand in the air.  "Well there you go. That proves it.  You owe me a $50 consultation fee."

*     *     *

I have not been getting a good nights sleep.  I am used to going to bed early and getting up early. Firefly does not go to be before midnight.  Her work keeps her out late.  I sleep better knowing she is home and safe.

"I am not used to someone worrying about me," she says as she collects her purse, two drinks, and various other belongings  and heads for the garage.

"I am not worried about you.  I am worried my Jeep won't return,"  I assure her, but my joke doesn't fool her.

Firefly moved in two weeks ago.  She is saving for another car.  She is saving to go back to rehab.  She is making progress in slow fits and jumps.  I like having her around.  Though it is not the same as when Billie and I were together, I cannot deny there are a lot of similarities.  It has me questioning my relationship with Billie. 

Firefly is fun but I am not in love with her.  I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I loved Billie.  Her and I were a good match.  I wonder if she ever looks back and thinks that way.

Firefly and I are going to Silver Lake Michigan for a long weekend the weekend after Labor day.  We are going to take the Jeep out onto the sand dunes.  She is excited.  She has not been on a vacation for many years.  Billie and I would always go away for a week in September to celebrate our birthdays.  This year, the vacation will be bittersweet.

Bedfellows

Posted Tuesday, October 1, 2019 

Swipe

Our conversation turned to my luck with dating sites.  "I am looking for age-appropriate women,"  I assure her.  "But I don't think age-appropriate will practice using the hula-hoop topless in the living room."

"That's not normal,"  she tells me.

"Yeah, well, Billie did." 

*     *     *

I am in the loft area of the second floor working on my computer.  I glance right and see Firefly walking from one bedroom to the other.  She is naked and carrying a bundle of clothes on her way to the bathroom in the spare bedroom.  She has claimed that space as her own.

While she is showering, I head down to the basement to ride my stationary bike at lunch.  Thirty minutes into my ride, she comes downstairs with my Jeep keys in her hand.  She is wearing an olive green Victoria's Secret sports bra and cut-off jean shorts.  

I pull off my noise-canceling headphones so I can hear her. "I should be back early,"  she tells me.  She gives me a quick kiss and heads back towards the stairs.  

"Just keep me posted,"  I tell her, then add, "and don't disappear."

"I will," she replies without pausing or glancing back.

"I know you will.  Every time you leave, you disappear,"  I joke, then put back on my headphones and continue my workout.

Firefly is not accustomed to structure or discipline.  Her parents did not set any boundaries. She came and went as she pleased by the time she was 15 years old, which explains a lot of her current issues.  She changes plans spontaneously. She sets goals but often lags at following through with them.  Necessity and the desire to get high seem to be her most significant driving forces.

Living with me gives her a safe space to make plans and goals but takes away some of the necessity to achieve them.  I take on the role of the adult figure.  It is a part I have a lot of experience with from my time with Tinkerbell and Billie. People who find the situation weird usually come from a secure family where they receive positive attention.  Firefly did not.

"I feel like I am taking advantage of your situation," I say to her.  We are in the Jeep, driving home after getting a couple's massage.

"You're not.  It is mutually beneficial," Firefly assures me.  The fact that I question it, and my history with Billie and Tinkerbell, tell me she is right.

I am not in love with Firefly. I was with Tinkerbell or Billy.  I hope Firefly gets her car and goes to a long-term rehab like she is planning.  She often puts the cart before the horse.  She looks for cars and rehabs when she should be looking for dates to make money. 

Sienna, my cat, is the only one not happy with the situation.  She does okay when the girls come and go.  Sienna is not pleased when they stay for days.  She does alright when Firefly is sitting in one place, but she does not like it when Firefly is walking around.  Sienna will hiss and chase her when I am not around.  We are working on that.

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing... Monster, Eminem

On the Mend

Firefly is mending.  It has been a week.  Mostly things have been fine.  She is gaining weight back.  I keep telling her she will need to start exercising now that she is getting back to a healthy weight.  We haven't been able to get her car out of impound.  It wasn't worth much anyway.  She bought it for $400.

She had a lot of good clothes in the car that they will not let her get, but she has already replaced much of them through donations from friends on Facebook.  I guess social media is good for something after all.  Overall I think her life has improved for the time being.  She has not contacted the ex-boyfriend.  She wants nothing to do with him.  She is saving for a new car.  She should have money for that in a few weeks.

She is not used to having a stable environment for more than a few weeks or a few months.   Many people like her don't at that age.  She still needs to get clean.  She needs to start surrounding herself with better people. She still wants to go back to rehab.  She wants to go to one of the fancy ones in Florida or California.  Mostly, I think she just wants to get away for a while.  I will give her my opinions, occasionally but mostly leave her alone.  It is my opinion she is not ready to get clean but she needs to try.  The drugs ruin you.  She knows this but I will bring up Billie as a cautionary tale.

I like having her around.  She reminds me of Billie at her age.  Firefly does not take advantage of the situation.  She keeps the place clean and her stuff organized.  She takes care of my needs and is nice company to cuddle up with at night.  It is a relationship of convenience that both of us seem to be comfortable with for now.  I like her but I am not consumed or in love with her the way I was with Billie.  When Firefly decides to leave, I will miss her but I will not be begging her to stay. 

Always Be Hungry

A cold and frosty morning
There's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind... Don't Go Away, Oasis

I have started this post three times.  I am having trouble articulating what I want to express.  It is a convoluted mess concerning relationships and dating.  My marriage lasted thirteen years.  When my ex-wife's father died and she inherited his money and filed for divorce forty-five days later.  I don't remember much from that relationship except that I felt like something was missing.  I am glad she divorced me.  I think I would have had a miserable life.  

Once things settled down, my relationship with Billie was pretty good.  We had our issues, her addiction being the biggest, but I felt that given time even that would be resolved.  I will not love anyone the way I loved Billie ever again.  I said that back in 2013 at the height of are battles.

After commenting on the quality of woman on dating sites and the lack of even those showing interest I told my friend Jay I was going to buy a sex doll.  He replied, "Now you are just giving up".  

That is not really true.  I don't see myself getting into another relationship.  The juice is not worth the squeeze.  I miss the companionship, but even Billie it came with limitations.  I cannot say I miss the sex because that hasn't been an issue.  

When I am in a relationship I become stagnant and there is a pause in personal growth.  As if getting into the relationship was the prize and I reached my goal.  I also think I spend more time focused on the other person and less on myself.   I achieved having a good relationship.  It's end does not tarnish that.  I was content being with Billie, but maybe that too would have reached a point when I felt like something was missing.  

There are other goals I want to achieve.  The phrase that comes to mind is, "Always be hungry".  Never settle down.  Keep looking one step ahead.  There was a book back in the late 90's called, Who Moved My Cheese.  It said much the same thing. Anticipate change and be ready for it.

We Do, What We Do, to Survive

You get mixed up with the wrong guys
You get messed up on the wrong drugs
Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn't really plan on going
When people see the track marks on her arm, she knows what they're thinking

No mother ever dreams that her daughter's gonna grow up to be a junkie...Against Me, Thrash Unreal

Firefly refers to the one-room motel where she is living as home.  If that is the case it will be the third or fourth home she has had in as many months.  I tell her she needs to consider getting a regular job.

"Yeah, but will regret not making the money I do now," she replies.  They all say that, but drugs and time have a way of closing those doors.

A true home brings some stability to a person. Firefly has not had stability in years and she is only twenty.  It is easier to spiral downward than to crawl out.  She reminds me a lot of Billie.  Except I don't see anyone there to save her.


Originally Posted Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Rock Bottom (partial)

Friday night I picked Billie and her new roommate (Lauren) up from the strip club after work.  We dropped Lauren of at the motel and Billie came home with me.  Billie was energetic.  She stayed up till 7:00 a.m. cleaning and primping herself.  Her actions and her fitful sleeping that night tells me she is using crack or coke in addition to heroin.  Billie was exhausted the next day even though I let her sleep in past 1:00 p.m. She even napped an extra hour on the couch after waking.  I took her back to her motel so she could work.  I tried to make her see the light during the drive back.  She was at rock bottom (or so I thought).  She wanted me to believe she liked living day to day.

  "When are you going to stop?" I asked.

 "When the consequences are worse than the dope,” she replies.

*     *     *

I should surround myself with different people.  Happy people.  Everyone will tell you they are happy but I don't think many are.

I can bridge the gap of wealth, age, and place with the people I am around.  Not many people would.  It takes empathy and wisdom.  Someone once accused me of hanging around girls like Billie and Firefly because I think to feel superior.  That is far from the truth and I think more a reflection of the one who said it.  I hang around them because I don't feel any different and I could see myself in their shoes.