Wednesday, August 5, 2020
Always Be Hungry
A cold and frosty morning
There's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind... Don't Go Away, Oasis
I have started this post three times. I am having trouble articulating what I want to express. It is a convoluted mess concerning relationships and dating. My marriage lasted thirteen years. When my ex-wife's father died and she inherited his money and filed for divorce forty-five days later. I don't remember much from that relationship except that I felt like something was missing. I am glad she divorced me. I think I would have had a miserable life.
Once things settled down, my relationship with Billie was pretty good. We had our issues, her addiction being the biggest, but I felt that given time even that would be resolved. I will not love anyone the way I loved Billie ever again. I said that back in 2013 at the height of are battles.
After commenting on the quality of woman on dating sites and the lack of even those showing interest I told my friend Jay I was going to buy a sex doll. He replied, "Now you are just giving up".
That is not really true. I don't see myself getting into another relationship. The juice is not worth the squeeze. I miss the companionship, but even Billie it came with limitations. I cannot say I miss the sex because that hasn't been an issue.
When I am in a relationship I become stagnant and there is a pause in personal growth. As if getting into the relationship was the prize and I reached my goal. I also think I spend more time focused on the other person and less on myself. I achieved having a good relationship. It's end does not tarnish that. I was content being with Billie, but maybe that too would have reached a point when I felt like something was missing.
There are other goals I want to achieve. The phrase that comes to mind is, "Always be hungry". Never settle down. Keep looking one step ahead. There was a book back in the late 90's called, Who Moved My Cheese. It said much the same thing. Anticipate change and be ready for it.
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Have you seen what sex dolls look like nowadays? You don't blow them up anymore... but they're expensive as hell.
ReplyDeleteI have found being in a relationship or paying for sex not to be cheap either. A doll would pat for itself over time:).
Deletesaw a beautiful video this morning on Instagram DMs: a barefoot woman in a red dress walking along the beach, and the narration under her:
ReplyDeletewho is your soul mate? not the one who changed you, but rather the only one who saw you. you come closer to knowing who you are, of seeing yourself, when you look in front of you into the eyes of those you love...
I think you change yourself and though people can help it is ultimately up to you.
DeleteI'm separated now after 27 years married and I think I know what you're saying. Maybe I'm scared or selfish or just haven't met anyone who is worth it......not that I've tried
ReplyDeleteAt a certain point I think we get too old and set in our ways to try again.
DeleteOur most important relationship is with ourself and it should not be neglected, I agree.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have children or you are in a relationship this can be placed on hold.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean by stagnant, by stopping growth, maybe that just means you’re not done changing. You haven’t reached your best yet and most importantly even though you said you’ve never going to love anyone like you loved billie, MAYBE, no one has loved you the same way yet.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. Billie did love me. She did not make her choice lightly. I am not sure if that makes it better or worse really. If someone loved me that strongly, I would probably push them away. I know how I am and I am not used to being in that role.
DeleteI do this as well. The relationship with another person is the goal, and I push for the relationship to get further, instead of just enjoying the day to day. I think there should definitely be intentions, but damn, I need to slow down. I think finding a relationship where I have a truly secure attachment would allow me to continue to grow knowing that they are on their own path in terms of personal growth. I guess that's a "no duh", but it's taken me a while to figure all these things out--especially that I need to keep a life outside of the relationship as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteI let my life slide and made taking care of Billie my life.
DeleteI think sometimes people settle for someone and don't find their soulmates. Every relationship is going to have problems but it should also make you happy. Ken and I have been together for almost 30 years and I know we don't have a lot of time left which makes me really sad.
ReplyDeleteI don't believe in soulmates, their are better matches and worse matches. Being together of 30 years is a great accomplishment.
DeleteI am extremely grateful and blessed that I have been with my wife for more than 20 years. It always hasn't been easy but I guess that what makes it worth it. I hope whatever you decide to do that you are happy and satisfied with your decision. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI think marriage is something everyone should try once. These days I am letting what ever happens happen.
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