Slipped

I blame it on jet lag, Chinese sleep deprivation torture.  Rejection stirs up rejection.  Last night I was supposed to meet a girl off that Seeking website. I picked Fishbones a restaurant that would be equal distance for both of us. I waited an hour. She never showed.  Her text messages went silent.  Her phone went directly to voicemail.  The waitress tried to make light of my discomfort but I was not in the mood for banter.  The waitress was high-strung and spewed words like a meth addict.  There was no pause for conversation. 

The need to contact Billy has been strong over the past week.  The trip to China did not help.  Last night I was really low and I emailed her.   I tell myself do not want her back but who can tell what I would do if the opportunity arose. Last night was a struggle.  I wanted her to know I was hurting and maybe I wanted her to hurt a bit too.  Here is what I sent her.

They say i should not talk to you.  They say it will only make things worse.  I am not sure that is possible.  Most days I hate you lately.  Most days I am on the verge of tears.  I think about you all the time.  I see your shadow in every corner of this house.  I cannot erase you.  You loved me so much and it made me whole.  Then you didn't anymore and it hurts me.  My mind pleads with my to reach out to the one who can take away the pain but she does not exist anymore.

I am trying because that is all I can do.  It is supposed to get easier, but it only seems to get harder.  And there is nothing you can say and nothing you can do.   I know I'm my heart you still love me.  I know that you miss me.  I like to believe that some days you struggle too. It just doesn't change anything.

But I miss you Billie

Maybe she will not see it.  Maybe it will get buried in the spam that fills her email.  The act of sending her the email was soothing itself.  I don't want to hate her but, I really don't want to talk to her either.