Triggered

Recent events have been triggering my anxiety. I think it is anxiety, though I don't consider myself an anxious person. I described it as restlessness at first. Today, I have been thinking about the root cause, not the triggers. Summer is here, and I want to enjoy the season. That hasn't happened in the last two years. Relationships fizzled. So when Ava canceled getting together twice last week. Once without much of an explanation, the other due to being sick. That was a trigger.

It is a combination of past experiences and my insecure attachment style. My mind could be creating problems that don't exist, but I am hyper-alert and cannot turn that off. It is a learned survival mood learned from childhood. I cannot fathom how people who aren't function. It would be like an alien mindset.

These are all things that make me who I am. Either you understand them, or you don't. Tinkerbell understands them. She called me Monday from her new car on her drive home. Tink knew something was off with me on Sunday. I discussed the latest concerning Ava with Sam Monday night. The last thing she said to me was, "if you need to talk, call me." That is because Sam understands who I am too.

I never sat down and described myself this way to them, but they know. They understand me. I don't feel like Ava gets me. Partly because she doesn't see that person in me and somewhat because she doesn't look deeply. Once, she said, "I don't share my problems with others because I don't have the room to take on theirs."