September

You tried so hard to be someone
Did you forget who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything's so far away
That you don't know where you are

We had to cancel our trip to Mackinac Island. Tech, Tinkerbell's boyfriend, has Covid.  He was one of the first in our group to be vaccinated back in April, but he still caught it. His symptoms are not that bad, but it would be reckless to expose others. We are all disappointed.

I have been filling this post with lyrics and quotes as I go.  They say more than my words. It is hard to look forward to September. I have yet to create new activities to replace the old. Both Billie and I have birthdays in September, just two days apart. We used to plan a vacation around them. I have no plans this year.

Tinkerbell said to me, "I wish you could find someone else." 

She was referring to Firefly. Tinkerbell would like to do things as couples but doesn't feel like Firefly is suitable for that.  Tinkerbell is right. Firefly is too young and will be unable to drink or travel out of the state for eighteen months after rehab. 

Despite this, I am looking forward to Firefly getting out. She wants to come back, and she seems to have a good attitude. It is easier than dating or looking for a replacement, and she wants to be here.

"The cheapest woman tends to be the woman you pay for." Jack Reacher

Still, as I've mentioned before, Billie haunts my dreams. The other night I dreamed I was building a house. She was my electrician. There have been others. I try to do to control the direction of the dreams, but nothing is resolved in them.

I want a relationship, but I don't want to relinquish my perceived control. Billie was all I ever wanted. She was like a prize-- an end to the contest, the struggle. I could check that box off and deal with the next item on life's list. That is what I wanted to believe.

People can say Billie was a poor choice, but she wasn't. She met my requirements. If there is a flaw, it is in my requirements. People can say how great it is to drive a sports car, but if you want to drive a truck, they will never change your mind. If you understand that, then you understand what I mean.

Perhaps I will want a car again one day.

When it's hard to be yourself,

It's not to be someone else
Still, everything's so far away

That you forgot where you are
You are...
Well, all that you wanted
And all that you have done
Says so much

For you to hold on to,...Hold On, Jet

I have been working with my legos lately. I am trying to create an original piece. A round castle tower. It is not easy to make something round out of square bricks. It is a long process to come up with a completed piece. It involves several attempts and a lot of rebuilding.  I have the basic design I will use for the round body. Now I have to figure out how to incorporate windows and an entrance. I had to order more parts from resellers too. I have thousands of lego pieces, but I never seem to have the right pieces. 

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city, you go into the desperate country and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things, Henry David Thoreau