And I know my darkness will never go away
It's hard when you're living, and you don't feel much
And you're down, and you're hoping that things are gonna change
Everything stirs up the past in my head—the songs I listen
to, the books I am reading, the condo, the situation with Firefly. It is silently
crippling me. I feel like I cannot speak about it. I cannot articulate what is
on my mind. And who wants to listen? But it is written on my face. There is no
hiding my feelings.
Gone is any ambition I enjoyed last year. I go to work, go
home, read books, and go to sleep. I have read twelve books in the past two
months. Last Saturday, the best day of the week, it was sunny and warm but I did not venture far from my bed.
I think back on the last days with Billie. They repeatedly
play in my head, but the ending changes, and I am cruel—inflicting emotional
pain on her. The pain I still feel. I try to let it go, but the thoughts
return. Yet, I still yearn to see her. I struggle with the desire to contact
her. I look for excuses to reach out to her.
A psychologist once asked me, “Why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you?” I ask the darkness, “Why don’t they want to be with me? Why was it never me?” I know that would not solve anything.
I know who I am. There is not much I would change. I am tired. I look at the lives of those around me. They don’t have an answer. They are not happy. I would not trade my life for theirs. I have sixty percent of what I want, one hundred percent of what I need. Still, I wish there was someone there to share it with.
Hard enough to keep positive momentum in each of our lives.
ReplyDeleteDon't put yourself up on a cross to save someone else. You can't control chaos with being chaotic.
And for the love of god man, she isn't Billie even. Rid yourself of your biggest issue and block Firefly on your phone. You aren't a trained therapist and you don't run a rehab.
Your posts are infinitely more interesting when you are making strides in your own life.
Took me so long to accept this even in my own life, I like helping people too, but it wears you down.
I am not upset about Firefly. She is a disappointment and I have been pulling away from her. I am not abandoning her completely, but I am not helping her at the expense of myself.
DeleteI am not sure what is wrong with me lately. I think it is the fear of putting myself out there again.
I feel sorry for you even though I don't understand, your predicament is not part of my character make up.
ReplyDeleteWe are a creation of our childhood upbringing. I understand my predicament. It isn't tragic. Sometimes things get heavy and I need to vent.
DeleteGo ahead and vent.
DeleteI hope you find what you need, Bathwater. At least you are aware of it and that is good sign, right? Take care.
ReplyDeleteExactly being a where of it is half the battle. I will talk more about this in the next post.
Deletei love the Strumbellas! Seth Meyers and mental health, good stuff from that band. yeah i've been in a haze as well. i thought i'd feel good after the pandemic but it's been the opposite. as always, writing keeps me level. it's all we can do, right? keep writing
ReplyDeletePhoenix I believe we would have a lot in common. Writing does help sort out the feelings.
DeleteShelby there were several problems the age difference being the biggest I think. Marriage and kids was another. No I don't think it was personal, intentional or easy for Billie. Others would just brush off rejection. I am not built that way. Rejection is like a burden I carry. A weightless unnecessary burden that I fill with false weight.
ReplyDeleteI think if I look around I would find I have everything I need in life. They say happiness isn't a place it is an emotion. Sorry you lost your friend. I saw my father fight for every last breath. Sometimes I don't feel like I would have the energy. We never know until it happens to us.
ReplyDeleteI think there is a subconscious reason behind it also. Books are more submersing than TV and I need an escape.
ReplyDeletesorry to hear things are not so great. stay strong!
ReplyDeleteThey will pass. I need to find some new inspiration.
DeleteSomeone there to Share it with is always better when we experience anything, good or bad. Unless you happen to be a recluse, companionship is important to go thru Life Sharing all of Life's experiences with. I am sorry that you haven't found the one yet that wants to be with you... and the Psychologist was right, why would we want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us? Often you will find The One when you aren't even looking/seeking... I did... it can happen when you least expect it my Friend, stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI agree. There are many people steaking about the benefits of being single. There are benefits, but there benefits of being with someone also.
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