February Ends

I filed my taxes this weekend. I owed $400 and spent another $100 preparing them. That is better than I expected, and I am glad to get that out of the way. Next year will be worse. I need to find a better side business. Being an author is not enough of a write-off.

Twin A, Twin B, and I went out to lunch Saturday. We ate at Vic's Dinner. It is a place Billie and I used to have breakfast with my dad when he was still alive. The twins enjoyed it. After, I spent some time helping them clean their condos. It looked like no one had helped Twin A clean his place in a while. His mom and step-father don't seem to have the time.

I know I am at the right weight. It seems to fluctuate with the amount of exercise I am doing. If I do more exercise, my weight increases, and if I do less, it decreases. If I was overweight, it would probably do the opposite.

Spring has not hit the area yet. We have another week of temperatures in the 30/40s, but it looks like we have seen the last of the snow. 

Tinkerbell and Tech are in Dallas for a convention dealing with Tech's IT business. Tinkerbell tags along, but it sounds like these trips are a bit boring for her, but it is a vacation.

Worrisome Stats?

 Bijoux commented:

I don't think I could handle dating in the 21st century.

I don't think dating has ever been easy, but I think it is getting harder based on the numbers I saw recently. 26% of people over eighteen did not have sex last year. 50% had sex once a month or less. These numbers are even higher for my age range. Only 62% of people ages 25 to 54 are either married or living together. This is a new low. These numbers are important to me. I grow up believing in marriage, although I think it is a losing bet these days. 

I am sure my values will change as I age, but so will my need for companionship. As of now, I value sex. It is something I cannot provide myself alone. It is not the only thing I value in life, but I value it in a relationship. I am just adapting to the current sexual marketplace where young girls think having an Onlyfans account and selling graphic images of themselves is a viable career choice. It won't be for long, computer-generated images will make that obsolete.

My blog has always been a place where I can release my thoughts. They are not always correct or socially acceptable. Over time some of my feelings and ideas change, but I like having a record of life as it unfolds.

Today was another snowy drive into work. The roads were covered and slick, but traffic moved along without incident on my drive. Driving to work is seen as a badge of honor by my companies owner. I see it as a meaningless risk that could cost me thousands if I get into an accident. 

A Second Comment

Secret Escape asked:

Have you ever thought that maybe you feel hollow because all you do is look for women to have sex with as opposed to trying to have a real "relationship"? You seem to go into these paid encounters looking for more, and then are disappointed. You're paying Ava for sex, not her innermost thoughts and feelings. If you want someone to share themselves with you, you're going to have to do more than plunk some money down. Choosing people on shallow points will give you shallow results.

I remember going on a date with The Hippie. Looking back, part of the problem was I was not ready to date. Not in that sense. I am not sure much has changed.

That is the crux of the problem. When I was younger, a relationship was the end goal. I thought a relationship would make me happy and solve all my problems. They never did, though, they just created new problems. I ask myself what do I want and what am I willing to sacrifice to get it. 

What does a relationship bring with it that I am missing-- companionship, sex, love, someone to grow old with?  Even those things can fade over time. When I was with Billie she provided those things and I was willing to sacrifice anything for her. I came home each day to her and never thought, this is not the woman I want to be with.

Billie wasn't perfect. Far from it. She had issues and our relationship came with many problems. My life is easier and has more direction without her. I know where I want to be five and ten years from now. Being in a relationship would not change those goals. 

I have a family, friends, a home I love, a car, a job, financial security. What can a relationship bring to me that I value that I don't already have? What I have, is what makes me a valuable partner to a woman looking for a relationship. Sure, there are women who do not need these things either, but they would not be willing to date someone without them. Not seriously.

What can a woman bring to a relationship that I value--looks, sex, a lack of baggage? Those are hard to find in a woman my age. Perhaps it is time for me to start dating again, but I will be doing it with a different mindset. 

A Comment

 I went to yoga last night. It is the second time I have been back to class in two years. The classes are small. Few people are risking stepping into the studio. I like the smaller class size, but I know it is not economically feasible for the studio.

Ava joined me. She liked the class and the teacher. I told her I planned to continue going, and she was welcome to join me whenever she was available. At least till summer, when I plan on getting my exercise outdoors. I have to start wearing my glasses during yoga class. There was a cute woman next to me, but it is hard to engage with someone in a dimly lit room when you cannot see.

Jules wrote in my comments:

No matter what you think, this Ava chick is getting under your skin. The only thing you can change is your reaction to her and things she does. In order to do that successfully, you need to figure out your triggers.

I do know what is triggering when I sit back and look at things in the context of Jule's statement.  It is the shallow sexual relationship we have. Ava doesn't offer more. I am not looking for her to fall in love with me, but the intangibles that are missing are triggering because there is nothing to hold onto. I don't feel trusted, respected, or needed. I think Ava is being deliberately deceitful. It makes it hard to form any type of connection with her. When I ask myself, is she a bad person? The answer is, I don't know. Unless she treats me uniquely for others, I would find it hard to believe others have not picked up on this too.

I felt more connected to Firefly who has countless flaws than I do Ava. No, it is not because Firefly and Billie have the same issues. Ava confesses to having problems, but she never shares them. I am sure I question too much. I can't help that. This issue with Ava has two dimensions, but if she were gone, I don't think I would find myself missing her. I would find myself missing the convenience of having her around.

Praying for love and a lap dance
And paying in naivety..But It's Better If You Do, Panic At The Disco

Dwelling In the Past

The weekend left me moody and dwelling in the past. It is not where I want to be, but often the present is not where I want to be either. It is one thing to understand my motivations, but it is another to want to change. I am not changing. I am not sure how to reverse years of self-programming or what change is supposed to look like. What I do know is there hasn't been enough.

Sometimes, it is tough realizing I am the problem without being too hard on myself. I feel like I should take the month of March to identify which parts I need to change and which to keep.

Ava spent the night Friday, but the encounter felt hollow. It left me feeling empty. I would say I couldn't point to one thing that made me feel this way, but that wouldn't be true. In fact, there were several things. I told her she was spreading herself too thin, a point she agreed with, but I do not feel the need to guess at her motivations. 

Ava holds back details concerning herself. Other things she shares seem more like "shit tests," comments to elicit a response. Last week, we made plans to go to yoga Tuesday. I told her she would need to register on the yoga studio's website to sign us up for the class. Saturday, she did so using an alias. Something I felt was unnecessary yet telling. 

There is a mystery there, but I am losing interest in it. My time feels better spent elsewhere. If we make it to our road trip, perhaps I'll learn more. I feel like it would be time better spent taking Max on the road trip this morning.

Sunday, Max came over, and we changed the coil pack and spark plugs on his car. I asked him to look into a new computer for me. He has been playing a new version of Age of Empires, and I would like to play it too.

Saturday afternoon, I took Twin A to lunch. We went to the same restaurant that Billie, my dad, and I often frequented on Sunday mornings when Billie and I were still together, and my dad was alive. 

That brings us back to the past. I miss being with Billie even though I don't want her back. I don't dream about possible futures with her. She is the past, and I have accepted that. I am at a loss to describe what I am missing. I don't talk about it much anymore, but I still think about her every day. It isn't healthy, It holds me back. I think it always will.

Weekend Forecast

We did get some snow. I haven't stepped outside to measure, but I did decide it was enough to work from home. My drive home was forty minutes longer than the usual thirty. I passed Firefly on the road, white-knuckling it in the slow lane of the boulevard. She didn't notice it was me. I was hurt she didn't recognize the Orange Crush decals on the truck's tail, but she was too intent on the road. 

I sent her a text when I got home.

Bathwater: What are you doing driving in this weather, Firefly? Haven't you learned your lesson?

Firefly: Lmaoooo, how do you know I'm driving.

Bathwater: I passed you on 16 Mile road. I even honked.

Firefly: I was working. I thought that was you. I saw your car and was like, hmmm, I know that car.

It reminds me of the days Tinkerbell drove a lime green Ford Focus. I would see her on the road all the time. Even on days, I didn't want to see her.

The roads should be passable by this evening when I pick up Ava. It takes more than 4 to 8 inches to slow this city down. We are expecting gale forces winds tonight. I like listening to the winds blowing outside at night.

This has been a long week and plans on being a busy weekend. Ava is spending the night tonight. I am replacing the coil pack on Max's car with him Sunday, and after, I am meeting a new girl for a drink. Something tells me this girl is more like Firefly than Ava, but we will see.

February

 Usually, I find I weigh less in February. It is a depressing month without enough sunlight. By spring, I am counting calories again. Lately though, I cannot seem to stop losing weight. I've been focused on eating more the past few days, but I am still dropping. If it continues, I might get concerned. I just don't feel like eating.

Ava is spending the night tomorrow. I have decided not to mention her trip or drop snarky comments eluding my thoughts. Either would put her on the defensive. It is harder to deceive me in person actions over words. For now, I have filed the incident away under things to remember.

It has been a long week. It is raining this afternoon, but it will snow this evening. The storm warning says we could get 4 to 8 inches. We never seem to, though.