Mindfulness

Is there something more?  I have signed up for a yoga class.  I am reading books on mindfulness and meditation.  I am seeing the relationship with Billy for what it was.  I miss her less each day.  The void left behind has always been there.  I am trying to fill it from within.  I no long want to conform to my construct of life.

The weather here is unseasonably cold and wet.  Tomorrow is Halloween.  They expect snow.  Yes snow,  on Halloween.  This evening is Devil's Night though I do not expect many devils to be out after dark with the temperatures hovering in the mid forties.  Traffic on the way home is heavy people trying to get home for holiday functions I imagine.  I leave work early also.  I am going to my first yoga class.

I have passed the studio a thousand times.  It is on the edge of a strip mall. The word yoga is in bright inviting neon letters above the door.  It gets good reviews on Yelp.  It seems to be a family run business.  There is an bearded gentleman in his sixties behind the counter.  He explains the basics to me.  The instructor is a solidly built woman around forty.  She has short blond hair and is wearing sweat pants and a tank top.  Her outfit is casual and not worn to impress.

There are a dozen women and one other man in the class.  All of them are dressed casually.  The instructor is friendly.  The names for the positions are unfamiliar to me but the moves are not out of reach. I have decided to stick with it for the rest of the year.  Perhaps I can advance to a different level.

Boring Updates

I am trying to live in the moment.  It can be difficult.  I have been going out with friends.  I don't enjoy bars.  When looking back at the evenings I find them unremarkable.  Sam, Alexis and I went to a local bar Saturday night.  It was loud.  Sam spent most of her time swiping left on Alexis' Tinder account.  Sam doe not have her own.  Sam does not date.

Alexis finds Sam's lack of desire for a relationship bizarre.  It does not surprise me though.  She has been hurt and does not put any effort into dating.  Sam seemed to be trying to sell me on her tenant and friend Lynne.  Sam and I went to the funeral of Lynne's husband Sunday.  While I do think Lynne is attractive, I think she will be in mourning for a bit.

A Conversation

Billy texted me today.  I guess she saw my email.  She did not say. 

Billy: I hope you are doing okay, Bathwater.  Give Sienna (the cat) a hug for me and hope your trip to China was okay.

Me: I emailed you. It was during a bad day, but yes I am okay.  Everyone here is doing good as can be.

Billy: Dad okay?

Me: The trip to China was hard.  I had a hard time focusing on the moment.  Dad is in assisted living and physically doing good, just waiting to see what the cancer does.  I miss you, Billy.  I hope you are doing good.

Billy: I'm doing alright.

Me: Just alright?

Billy: Yeah, trying to figure things out for myself is pretty stressful.

Me: I have faith in you and I am still here supporting you in my thoughts.

The conversation was a start at healing the breach between us.  It did not ruin my day.  The emotions it stirred rose within me, but I was able to release.  I am still moving on.

The Good and The Bad-- Samples From the Past

I am working on turning my old blog posts into a novel.  The first hundred pages were simple.  The narrative revolved around Tinkerbell and I.  I have plenty more material that focuses on Billy and I.  There is good and bad.  Below are samples of both but understand these are old post. The last five years Billy and I had a mostly stable relationship but it was hell getting there.

Originally posted Sunday, August 21, 2011

Cheap Chinese

"We have to stop, so I can go pee," she says.

I point out a convenient White Castle up ahead, "go there."

"Was that the entrance?" She asks as we pass the driveway.

"That's okay just pull into the exist like you usually do," I tell her.

"My driving doesn't scare you does it? You wouldn't be sitting in the car if it did."

"I don't pay attention, I keep my eyes focused on the pretty girl sitting next to me." Billy always looks pretty to me.

After the pit stop, we get back into her Explorer and she pulls out into traffic. We swoop up on the tail of another car. "Look at the girl, not at the traffic. Look at the girl, not at the traffic," I start repeating like a mantra and she laughs.

She doesn't like spicy food, she says it makes her sweat, but that doesn't seem to stop her from ordering it. We share a meal of glazed chicken and fried rice. The food is in a carry out tray on the console between us. We share the fork and pick at the broccoli with our fingers, occasionally feeding each other pieces of chicken.

These nights are special to us. The brief moments, the minutes that change the course of the whole day. When I get home I get a text message, "I am exhausted but my insides are still smiling." It refers to how good spending time with me makes her feel. 

Originally posted Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Rock Bottom

It is a post no one wants to hear.  I am documenting it because I want to keep a written record of what has been happening.

Friday night I picked Billy and her new room mate (Lauren) up from the strip club after work.  We dropped Lauren of at the motel and Billy came home with me.

Billy was energetic.  She stayed up till 7:00 am cleaning and primping herself.  Her actions and her fitful sleeping that night told me she was doing crack or coke and not heroin.  Probably because she did not have enough money for heroin.

Billy was exhausted the next day even though I let her sleep in past 1:00 p.m. She even napped an extra hour on the couch after waking.  I took her back to her motel so she could work.  I tried to make her see the light.  She was at rock bottom (or so I thought).  She wanted me to believe she liked living day to day.  "When are you going to stop?" I asked her.


"When the consequences are worse then the dope."


She never made it to work that night and Sunday was Easter the club was closed.  I had plans to watch The T-Res for Tinkerbell Sunday.  I warned Billy she was going to be in trouble and that I wasn't going to help her out.

She was dope sick by Sunday and begging for help on Monday. Suddenly, "things are beginning to get old", she tells me.


I went to see her Monday after multiple pleas for help.  Their motel is a one room upper unit.  Their drug dealer conveniently lives downstairs.  The girls share a bed.  There is a card table with two folding chairs,  a dresser and a refrigerator in the main area.  Billy came outside to talk with me.  I noticed a shiny new black Chrysler 200 parked next to me.  At first I thought it belonged to Lauren's customer. 

When I questioned Billy about the car she said it was Lauren's friend but I figured it out.  It was Kevin's the same addict friend that has been hanging on Billy for over a year.  He was the one who shot her up and missed the vein.  He was the one that took her in when I kicked her out after her second failed rehab stay.  I warned her if I saw him I was going to beat his ass.  Billy didn't take me seriously.  I'm not violent by nature.


Billy went to the drug dealers room.  I went up to her room.  Lauren was at the door.  I slid past her.  Kevin was sitting in one of the flooding chairs one the table was a gross collection of drug paraphernalia, dirty needles, a burnt spoon, a small metal container for holding coke.
  

I crossed over to Kevin, grabbed him by the throat and pinned him against the wall.  "I am sick and tired of seeing your drug addicted ass around Billy. "  I raised my fist.  "You loose her fucking number you understand me!"


"There is no need to get violent."  He croaked out.

  My fingers were digging into his neck. I wanted to take out my frustration on his face. "Yes there is, "  I squeezed his neck harder and pressed his head deeper into the corner of the wall.  He was like a rag doll in my grip.  "You are lucky I don't beat your ass right now."  My blood was pumping and I pulled a punch.  "Loose her number.  If I see you have been around her again I will beat your ass next time." 


Kevin picked up his earphones that had fallen out of his ears and headed out the door.  I watched from the balcony to make sure he did not try to call or say anything to Billy as he left.  

Lauren had disappeared during the exchange, probably telling Billy what was happening.  She came back upstairs while I was watching Kevin leave. "What was that about?" She asks.


"I'm tired of that asshole hanging around Billy enabling her, I've been wanting to do that for a long time." 


"I've only meet him twice," She expressed her dislike of the guy.  "He came here today trying to get us to hook him up with a dealer."


Billy returned,  "Bathwater you can't be starting shit here."  She didn't seem especially mad.


"I warned you Billy."


"I didn't think you were serious." 


Since that day Billy has lost her job at the club, probably Lauren too.  There are at least a half dozen other strip clubs within a few miles of that motel but there is no money to be made at any of the others.  Lauren's customer paid for the first week at the motel.  He isn't paying anymore.
  

Billy has an appointment to get on Suboxone Tuesday, but that is a week away.  I have no idea how she will make it till then.  She has at least a $200 a day habit.  Then there is rent and food.  I told her she needs to move back home.  She seems reluctant to leave Lauren.  Lauren needs to go back to her own parents.  I've already refused a request for them to stay with me for a few days.
  

I've kept my distance as much as I can. I am going back to Mexico next week.  I am hoping she has had enough and is back home with her parents when I return.

Untethered Soul

I have been learning.  Grief is the best motivator to learning about yourself.  I have read a few books recently.  "Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment...", "The Untethered Soul", and "Running on Empty".  I recommend all three.  None of them have all the answers but they are giving me incite into who I am.

I am working toward becoming more mindful.  I still have more to learn.  I want to release myself from my fears and move beyond grief and pain.  The Untethered Soul has opened my eyes to a new way of thinking about things.  It short on how to achieve some of the things it teaches but it gives me a starting point.

Billy did not respond to my email yet.  I hope she does not see it.  I am in a better place today and would not have sent it.  One thing that has come to me as I have grown older, life is about learning.

Slipped

I blame it on jet lag, Chinese sleep deprivation torture.  Rejection stirs up rejection.  Last night I was supposed to meet a girl off that Seeking website. I picked Fishbones a restaurant that would be equal distance for both of us. I waited an hour. She never showed.  Her text messages went silent.  Her phone went directly to voicemail.  The waitress tried to make light of my discomfort but I was not in the mood for banter.  The waitress was high-strung and spewed words like a meth addict.  There was no pause for conversation. 

The need to contact Billy has been strong over the past week.  The trip to China did not help.  Last night I was really low and I emailed her.   I tell myself do not want her back but who can tell what I would do if the opportunity arose. Last night was a struggle.  I wanted her to know I was hurting and maybe I wanted her to hurt a bit too.  Here is what I sent her.

They say i should not talk to you.  They say it will only make things worse.  I am not sure that is possible.  Most days I hate you lately.  Most days I am on the verge of tears.  I think about you all the time.  I see your shadow in every corner of this house.  I cannot erase you.  You loved me so much and it made me whole.  Then you didn't anymore and it hurts me.  My mind pleads with my to reach out to the one who can take away the pain but she does not exist anymore.

I am trying because that is all I can do.  It is supposed to get easier, but it only seems to get harder.  And there is nothing you can say and nothing you can do.   I know I'm my heart you still love me.  I know that you miss me.  I like to believe that some days you struggle too. It just doesn't change anything.

But I miss you Billie

Maybe she will not see it.  Maybe it will get buried in the spam that fills her email.  The act of sending her the email was soothing itself.  I don't want to hate her but, I really don't want to talk to her either.

China and Back

So I have been gone a week.  I went to China and back.  We took off from Detroit and landed in Beijing twelve hours later.  The sun chased us across the sky along our journey but the foreboding clouds in the Chinese capital kept the sun at bay.  I do not adjust well to the cultural differences.  I find the lack of personal freedoms and personal space intrusive.  We took a day to visit the Forbidden City.  The crowds were large and rude by western standards.

The rest of my time was spent in Qinhuangdao.  A resort city on the coast of Bo Hai Sea which flows into the Yellow Sea.  My hotel was on the water.  There was a spectacular view from my room on the eighteenth floor.  You looked out onto the water.  Below me were manicured garden paths leading down to a winding boardwalk and beach. 

The weather was mild.  The tourists were gone for the season.  I saw few people on the beach.  It would be a nice spot for a vacation.  But this was a work trip and we spent our days at various manufacturing facilities while taking in a few of the local sites.  There were no women readily available to entertain businessmen.  No bar at the hotel.

 

My host spent a lot of time trying to feed me.  I was a disappointment.  Food holds no interest for me, especially seafood.  Their seafood is all work.  Giant shrimp with shell tentacles and eyes still intact and small crabs both leave a pile of waste on your plate for little meat. 

I found myself with a lot of alone time.  That is never good.  My thoughts would return to Billie  On my previous trips to China I would be communicating with her constantly.  I longed to reach out to her.  As time passes I find myself hating her more but missing the relationship we had.  If she were in front of me would I still be able to hate her?  I do not know the answer.  They say time heals all wounds but do you ever get back what you had?

This trip was so uneventful I cannot stretch it into multiple posts.  Yes, I stood on the Great Wall.  Yes, I saw some interesting things but the shroud over my heart does not allow them to reach me.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to be free of my thoughts.  I wanted what I no longer had.

I do not like that she still occupies so much of my thoughts and so much of this blog.  I know in my heart she is missing me too.  People have been saying you cannot replace one person with another.  It feels like she has done that.