Tower Update

The screen door slams, Mary’s dress sways.

Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays.
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey, that’s me, and I want you only
Don’t turn me home again.
I just can’t face myself alone again.
Don’t run back inside,
Darling, you know just what I’m here for.
So you’re scared, and you’re thinking
That maybe we ain’t that young anymore.
Show a little faith; there’s magic in the night,
You ain’t a beauty, but, hey, you’re alright.
Oh, and that’s alright with me...Thunder Road, Bruce Springsteen

I found myself singing this last night while building my tower. I don't know why. I am not a big Bruce Springsteen fan. I haven't heard this song in years, but it is my favorite. It paints a picture so vividly I feel like I have seen it. It doesn't have much to do with this post, though.

Friday night, I went to dinner with Tinkerbell and Tech. We ate a Finn's in New Baltimore. I ordered a burger. Something I rarely have unless I go out to eat. The food is okay, but the restaurant is small, crowded, and loud. It was a warm night. We walked from Finns to the Town Pump for a beer after. We sat outside.

My ear has been bothering me this weekend. No apparent reason why. Saturday, I picked up the twins, and we went to Dairy Queen.  They stayed for a bit, but I was not in the mood for company. I worked on my tower this weekend. I am 70% satisfied with it at this point.

A failed version of the roof.

I think I need to reduce the amount of beige between the windows on the top level.  It looks too dull.  The fireplace breaks it up nicely on one side.  I spent most of the time playing with the roof. Once again, it is hard to make round out of square. It is a heavy piece.  If I started it again, I could reduce the number of pieces, but I will move one and create a scenario for it. I still picture it on a hill with a bridge leading to it.

A Letter Never Sent

For two years, I've struggled with our break-up. I am unable to let go. I am still trying to assign meaning to the time we spent together. What should I do? Should I wish her all the best and say goodbye? At this stage of my life, I doubt that I will find anyone more compatible than you. 

When we communicate, sometimes she wants to talk. Other times she seems distant. I don't want to hear that she is happy. I don't want to know she thinks she made the right decision. There is a wall between us that will never come down. It makes me sad.

There is nothing I could have done. It wasn't me, and that has been the most challenging part. My best was not good enough. Maybe I was the wrong person all along.

Last night, I focused on the positive things in my life--making a list of the good. I have good friends, I am mostly healthy. I have a good-paying job, a home, and a vehicle. I have money in the bank, and someone wants to be part of my life. I have more than most.

This started out as a letter that would never be sent, but why write one of those. It is time to stop wanting and start being.

Well there's a rose in a fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with

You gotta love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit crying talking good times you've had
Well there's a girl sitting right next to you
And she's just waiting for something to do...Love The One You're With, Stephen Stills.

She Is

Is there a line that I could write
That's sad enough to make you cry?
And all the lines you wrote to me were lies

Months roll past the love that you struck dead
Did you love me only in my head?
The things you said and did to me
They seem to come so easily
The love I thought I'd won

You give for free...Found Out About You, Gin Blossoms 

Today is Billie's birthday. Two days before my own. I have complex emotions when it comes to Billie. She is the answer to every question you could ask me, good or bad. I will text her later. Just a simple, "Happy Birthday". Because I cannot let it go, even though she is becoming a faded memory that only survives in my dreams.

An Earful

 Update on my ear. The test came back negative for anything he could see. The doctor put me on allergy medication. A nasal spray and a pill.  I don't think they help. I think they make things worse sometimes.  Either that or they don't do anything.  Either way, I have good days and bad days, but few days when there is not some hearing loss going on. I try not to let it affect me. 

I am still very busy at work. I am not managing programs. I am just putting out fires. I don't like it. Everything has made me negative. Seems like I go to the office, then end up back on the computer at night working more. I do not like working this hard. Not at this age.  This is a dead-end company. There is nowhere to advance.

Tower So Far

 Tech is fine.  He is passed his ten days quarantine and is starting to go out again.  They went to Greenfield Village this weekend.  Tinkerbell invited me, but I declined.  It seems like we were just there, and that place doesn't change.

My lego pieces came in Saturday, and I spent most of the weekend working on my tower.  It is still a work in progress, and I ran out of 1 x 2 tiles for the side of the walls, so I ordered more of those. Here it is so far.  I have a long ways to go.  I do not like the size of the box on top. It needs to be bigger so that part will be taken apart and rebuilt. 

The pictures don't do it justice.  It stands fifteen inches tall assembled. I am going to build a base, and it will stand at the top of a cliff.

End Of Summer

 The trip to Mackinac was canceled.  Tech, Tinkerbell's boyfriend, has Covid. I decided to still take Friday off and have a four-day weekend.  I spent it at home, avoiding others. I'll admit, I wasn't very productive. I did repot several of my house plants.

My friend Sam is still working on her deceased father's house. Doing things that are unnecessary to sell it. I decided not to get involved in that nonsense. She took off every weekend this summer.  The idea was to enjoy herself, but she has ended up working on that house instead.

I watched the final season of Supernatural. I didn't care for the way it ended.  They did not need the twentieth episode. Firefly wants to try watching the show when she gets out.  She usually doesn't care for sci-fi or fantasy shows.

Firefly gets sentenced today. There should be no surprises. She has been assigned to the "drug court" program, which requires many special conditions over the eighteen months after she gets out. She will be busy. Hopefully, she will stay out of trouble. Firefly still wants to come back once she gets out. I have reiterated that if she cannot commit to being here, she should return to her parents. 

People still think it is a bad idea. I am not sure what they would consider a good idea. I don't think they see the situation from their own viewpoint. 

September

You tried so hard to be someone
Did you forget who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything's so far away
That you don't know where you are

We had to cancel our trip to Mackinac Island. Tech, Tinkerbell's boyfriend, has Covid.  He was one of the first in our group to be vaccinated back in April, but he still caught it. His symptoms are not that bad, but it would be reckless to expose others. We are all disappointed.

I have been filling this post with lyrics and quotes as I go.  They say more than my words. It is hard to look forward to September. I have yet to create new activities to replace the old. Both Billie and I have birthdays in September, just two days apart. We used to plan a vacation around them. I have no plans this year.

Tinkerbell said to me, "I wish you could find someone else." 

She was referring to Firefly. Tinkerbell would like to do things as couples but doesn't feel like Firefly is suitable for that.  Tinkerbell is right. Firefly is too young and will be unable to drink or travel out of the state for eighteen months after rehab. 

Despite this, I am looking forward to Firefly getting out. She wants to come back, and she seems to have a good attitude. It is easier than dating or looking for a replacement, and she wants to be here.

"The cheapest woman tends to be the woman you pay for." Jack Reacher

Still, as I've mentioned before, Billie haunts my dreams. The other night I dreamed I was building a house. She was my electrician. There have been others. I try to do to control the direction of the dreams, but nothing is resolved in them.

I want a relationship, but I don't want to relinquish my perceived control. Billie was all I ever wanted. She was like a prize-- an end to the contest, the struggle. I could check that box off and deal with the next item on life's list. That is what I wanted to believe.

People can say Billie was a poor choice, but she wasn't. She met my requirements. If there is a flaw, it is in my requirements. People can say how great it is to drive a sports car, but if you want to drive a truck, they will never change your mind. If you understand that, then you understand what I mean.

Perhaps I will want a car again one day.

When it's hard to be yourself,

It's not to be someone else
Still, everything's so far away

That you forgot where you are
You are...
Well, all that you wanted
And all that you have done
Says so much

For you to hold on to,...Hold On, Jet

I have been working with my legos lately. I am trying to create an original piece. A round castle tower. It is not easy to make something round out of square bricks. It is a long process to come up with a completed piece. It involves several attempts and a lot of rebuilding.  I have the basic design I will use for the round body. Now I have to figure out how to incorporate windows and an entrance. I had to order more parts from resellers too. I have thousands of lego pieces, but I never seem to have the right pieces. 

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city, you go into the desperate country and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things, Henry David Thoreau