A Visitor

My youngest showed up announced yesterday.  Although I was glad to see him.  He should not be coming over.  His mother works are one of the busiest hospitals in downtown Detroit.  Still I did not kick him out.  Monday is his birthday.  He will be twenty-one.  He decided it would be a good idea to by some beer and celebrate.  So we did.

I was not feeling well yesterday, so I did not drink.   I am beginning to have pains like I did back in December.  I am beginning to wonder if it is holiday stress induced.  I do not even think of Easter as a holiday.  Billy finally texted back, the day after I tried calling her.

Billy: Hey.  How you been?  I'm alright.  Struggling with being unemployed right now with no insurance, but making the best of it.  You hanging in there?

Bathwater:  What the heck?  I was worried about you.  I you haven't replied in a week.  I am okay.  Trying to stay busy.

That is all she relayed.  I am not going to bother writing too much into it.  Like I said before.  She would be the worst person to be quarantined with right now.

Max didn't stay long.  There was an awkward moment at the door when he was leaving.  We didn't know whether to bump elbows or just wave goodbye.  I felt like a prisoner getting a visit.  This isolation is taking a toll on my mental health.

The boss did not cut our salaries during our weekly review, although he did mention several of the customers who did.  He is trying to apply for government loans.  If the money isn't coming out of his bottom line we will be okay.

I use an old bike on a stand to exercise on the basement the stand provides resistance but it seems the back tire has developed a leak near the valve stem.  I will have to fix it myself if I can get an inner tube for the wheel.  I will need to look for that today.  The bike is the only consistant exercise I have been able to maintain while at home.

Updates

Yesterday was in the mid-sixties.  It will not be that warm again in the near future.  I took that opportunity to get out and both ride my bike and walk.  I listened to top 100 alternatives songs from the 2000's.  It is the sound track of my blogs.  They say that music can be uplifting but I do not find it to be true. 

Most days I sit in silence.  The never ending voice inside my head is constantly talking.  They say with meditation we can learn to quiet the voice but it is my only company during these days of quarantine.

I am on Chapter 6 of my memoir.  It is the point when Billy and I first meet.  Ready through those old posts is very emotional. I still have not heard from Billy.  If it was any other friend  I would just call but I am not sure it is my place to call her.  I am going to wait until tomorrow. I am expecting to get a recording, or for it to go straight to voicemail. 

Back in February the physic used the term, "she hasn't learned her lesson yet".  Is that a nice way of saying she is going to jail?  Many of you think I give the physic's words to much validity.  Perhaps I do, but I can't fault anything she has said.

Last night a light rain can through the area.  In the middle of the night the wind picked up making the condo creak and grown under the force.  I was awake.  I don't sleep well unless I take Advil PM's to knock me out.  That is a habit I don't want to start.

Tomorrow the owner has scheduled a meeting for us.  Several of my co-workers feel it is to tell us he is cutting back salaries.  I hope not, but it makes sense.  I am not concerned.  Unlike many who are less fortunate now I can afford to live on half my salary.  Still it will mean cutting back on extra curricular activities.  Not that much of that is happening right now.

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside...Mr. Brightside, The Killers

Living in Fear

Bathwater:  I think the days I am supposed to be working are worse. There is little to do for 8 hours.

Rose: Yes, I know! Lol, well, I am not scared to see you if you're not.

Bathwater: Are you sure you are safe?

Rose: I haven't been around anyone, but no one knows for sure, I guess.

I declined to take Rose up on her offer. I am not afraid of getting the virus. I still think I might have had it. I am resigned to self-isolation. Perhaps I am getting used to being alone. There are few people I would break my seclusion to see (the Gymnast being one).

I am in a malaise just short of depression, and it scares me. By the time this is over, being alone could become the new normal. This is not how I expected 2020 would be. I am sure none of us did. The death toll is supposed to peak this week in Michigan and then recede. By May, things should be close to normal. I am sure things will begin to rise again once we return to work, but I do not care. A life living in fear is no life worth living.   

Audience of One

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name
And you ran away
Now all my friends have gone
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we once loved
Runaway
But what are we running from?
A show of hands from those in this audience of one
Where have they gone? Audience of One, Rise Against

I have not heard from Billy in almost a week despite reaching out to her a few times.  That is not like her, especially with all that is going on.  I have been wondering, is she sick?  Is she in rehab?  Is she in jail?  It could be any combination of the above or none of them.  You never know with her.

While I was walking around my subdivision I was think how it would be nice if I was with someone during the quarantine.   My thoughts drifted to Billy but I quickly realized she would be the worst person to be with during self quarantine.  An addict does not adapt well during a crisis.  Anything can throw her life into chaos during a normal week.  Now she is not working.  What will she do when her money stops coming in, or if her dope stops coming in.

I cannot think of anyone I would wanted to be quarantined with. The ideal person does not exist in my life.  Maybe they never did.  I never took the time to think, this is the person I could spend a year in isolation with.  I was always too busy with my day to think about eventualities.  Do you?

Billy is the closest to being that person though.  I turned a blind eye to her addiction to be with her.  I am not sure what that says about me.  I fear it says I will not find that ideal person. In the end it didn't matter.  Billy left me for another and here I sit watching the world go to hell... an audience of one.

Dragon Hoard

Little mentioned fact on this blog so far is that I collect Legos.  I have been collecting since before my twins were born so that means at least 27 years.  I have spare bedroom dedicated to them but the amount of built models overflows that room.

Billy liked to build the models with me.  For a while it was hard to get motivated to build anything.  I used to make original models but I lost the motivation.  Last week I was try to build an elevated train station but I got disappointed with my train car and lost interest. This weekend I decided to change that.

I have always wanted to build a dragon hoarding over a treasure.  I choose a Harry Potter set I bought before quarantine to use as a starting point.  It had a decent dragon but I made several changes to it.  It took my three hours to get the legs the way I wanted.  After several rebuilds and slight changes he is complete.  This morning it was time to work on the treasure hoard.  I started with a mosaic floor and worked my way out.  I am happy with the results but I need to work on my lighting and editing.

I used to have Photoshop and my son's digital camera.  These photos are from my phone without any edits.  Still it was a good start.  I will probably take it apart and work on it some more.  That is the only way I know to get it right.

What I Have Been Looking At

When I am not surfing porn out of boredom I am looking at the virus numbers.  I am sure that most people are already tracking the virus on one site or another.  I find three sites very interesting. 

US Health Weather Map by Kinsa

This map tracks fevers reported by internet enabled thermometers.  When fevers start to climb in an area you can expect an explosion of hospital cases and deaths to occur about four weeks later.

COVID-19 

This site projects when the virus will be at its peak in any given area in the US.  It also shows whether there will be enough beds for the sick.

Johns Hopkins

This site shows total number of confirmed cases and deaths world wide. 

Stay safe.  Stay home. 

I Ventured to the Store

I made a list of the essentials, eggs, bread, coffee, cookies, ice cream and a dozen other things.   It was the first time in two weeks I wore jeans.  They felt weirdly confining compared to my sweat pants.  I fitted a surgical mask to the contours of my nose, packed a baggie with sanitary wipes and went to the grocery store yesterday.

I know I said I was going to stay inside but on line ordering of food is back-logged over a week in my area.  I didn't want to run that low and I needed my comfort food God knows there is very little other comfort going on here.  It was my first trip in ten days. 

There were a lot of cars on the road for this area being a hot spot (just north of Detroit).  It was 5:00 p.m.  The skies were streaked with grey clouds and a light drizzly began to fall as I got out of the Jeep.  I wiped down a shopping cart from the parking lot and entered Walmart.

The store was not crowded but there were people shopping, most for food but some seemed to be browsing.  About a quarter of the people wore some type of mask.  A saw several people shopping in groups of two and three.  What is that about?  Why increase your families risk?  One couple even had a baby with them.  There was even a group of six teens aimlessly wandering the household aisles.

Shopping was as solitary an experience as being home.  I didn't talk with anyone. Didn't get near anyone.  I opened cooler doors with wipes, paid with my phone and wiped my hands constantly.
When I returned to the house, the first thing I did was wash my hands.  Then I unpacked my groceries, washed my hands again and sanitized them after for good measure. 

It is going to be a long April.  I have not been able to convince the Gymnast to leave her quarantine and risk entering mine...at least not yet, but I know her, she gets horny and her toys will eventually not be enough to keep her inside.  Till then, I still have five more seasons of Once Upon a Time to watch.  I think I will let my hair go grey and grow out a beard.  If I am going to be a hermit.  I should look like a hermit.