A Decade Under the Influence

Ah, ah, when I was younger
I, I should have known better
And I can feel no remorse
And you don't feel nothing back

I don't remember the anniversary of the day I got married. The day passes each year without a thought, but the Friday before Memorial Day always lingers in my mind. It was the day I met Billie. She is fading from my heart and my thoughts. Our brief conversation last month was not enough to keep me dwelling on her for long. It is hard to believe a decade has passed—a decade under the influence.

Friday, Firefly and I were driving back from our Soaring Eagle vacation. The day was cool and cloudy. I didn't reminisce about the past. Firefly is reluctant to go back to rehab. She said it in words, and she says it in her actions. I pushed the issue with her this morning before leaving for work. We are drawn together out of comfort. This is not the situation either of us wants. It is good enough for now, so we settle.

And I don't feel nothing at all
And you can't feel nothing small

I think we serve a purpose for each other beyond the physical and financial. Firefly puts my relationship with Billie into focus. Being with Firefly is like looking into a funhouse mirror. She is a distorted image of the past. For her, I think it helps her reevaluate her relationship with her father.

I am restless and putting on weight. I feel like being unconstrained for the summer—being on my own. It is peculiar. Typically, I don't like being alone, but I have noticed I am more productive when alone—just a  new observation, another change.

Thoughts of Billie don't stir the same emotions within me. Age and experience eroded my youth and naivety. That is not a good thing. 

Honey, I love you, that's all she wrote.

Oh, Ophelia, you've been on my mind, girl like a drug
Oh, Ophelia, heaven help a fool who falls in love...Ophelia, The Lumineers