Where are you going, where do you go?
Are you looking for answers to questions under the stars?
Well, if along the way you are growing weary,
You can rest with me until a brighter day
And you're okay
I am no Superman
I have no answers for you
I am no hero, oh that’s for sure
But I do know one thing
Is where you are, is where I belong
I do know, where you go is where I wanna be--Where are you going, Dave Mathews Band
It his been two weeks since I last texted with Billy. It seems like an age. She is fading from my memory. I am creating this new life but I have not begun to fill the void she left behind. Life moves on but is it better? The books I read say so. It is hard to believe some unseen brilliance from within can be better than running my fingers along her porcelain skin.
I do not have a good long term memories for things. I do not remember much from before my divorce. I do not know if it is a defense mechanism or if everyone is that way. I do know we have a tendency to reconstruct memories over time. We fill in the gaps with false details. I have a hundred blog post about Billy and I, journaled when they occurred. I am sorry I did not chronicle more of the good times.
I have spent my live building up defensive walls inside but I cannot protect myself from pain. I went to great lengths to pull Billy into my life. I went to great lengths to keep her there. I thought it would make me happy, that being with her would make me feel loved and safe.
I cannot find the energy within me. Is there room for the hopeless romantic within the untethered soul? I am posting these lyrics here to prevent myself from sending them to her. Where she goes, is where I want to be. That is not realistic anymore. It never was-- but it makes for a beautiful song.
Where are you going, where do you go?
Tell me, where are you going, where?
Let’s go.
like the end line of Punch Drunk Love. I always fancied myself a hopeless romantic, but perhaps I was just romanticizing myself. these days I'm not so much Superman as All Might. I don't know about you, but I for one CANNOT resist porcelain skin!
ReplyDeleteOMG skin is so important. I think I tend to try to hard at being Superman some days.
DeleteI finished my last post then read this and I feel like we are on a similar journey. I am not sure if there is something inside of me that is better than being wrapped up safely in someones arms and getting kissed on the forehead, but I guess I can pretend there is for now.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the same thing we are definitely on the same path. Part of me is trying to become more mindful the other part is chasing after the same old bad habits.
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