Me: I don't hope she comes back, but it is like losing two people. You lose the lover and the friend.
I feel like life is downing me like I am trying to keep my head above some invisible wave. I am reaching out to self-help videos, yoga, books, and people like life supports. When I sit back and look around, life has not changed. I have the same job and the same friends. Only one person is gone from my life, which makes things easier, not harder.
I miss Billie, I tell myself, but that is not exactly true. I miss her presence when I come home, but I can hang out with friends. I miss her soft skin and cuddling up next to her, but I can find that with Rose or another girl.
The real problem is I feel alone and exposed. Exposed! Billie was my little security blanket, and I could curl up with her and hide from the world in a comfortable cocoon of stagnation. I am exposed to new experiences like yoga and unknown people, and they are all pushing against my issues, and it frightens me. It is this fear I need to release. This is what they mean when they say let go and live life. What would you do if you were not afraid?
Growth. It's hard, and it pushes us to do new things and have new experiences. Billy gave you a reason to stay in your issues, just like she stayed in hers, just like I stayed in mine with I was with Miles.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is what they mean when they say to live life, but I can't accept that it should be that hard, or feel such an internal conflict/illicit fear.
I don't know what I would do if I wasn't afraid, although procrastination can be rooted in fear, and there are a lot of things I'm procrastinating...
Yes procrastination is rooted in fear. It isn't supposed to be hard we are supposed to just let go.
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