Rose and a Weekend Update

Rose strolls through the door wearing the exercise outfit we bought on our shopping excursion. She has a pink top on over the sports bra. "I am not used to you wearing a bra," I would tell her later as I groped her while we lay spooning on the couch. Rose is an enigma. Usually, her stories are a mixture of truths and lies. She is intentionally deceptive but not maliciously so, as far as I can tell.

It is safe to assume she only thinks of me when she needs a new outfit or needs money, but the truth is probably less cut and dry. I find with people like Rose, the first thing she thinks about is keeping her head above water and navigating life without the support of stable parental figures.

There are a few facts that I do know. Rose has a younger sister who is pregnant (I have met her a couple of times) and a brother. She is close to her sister and is looking forward to having a niece to pamper. Rose works out and is proud of her accomplishments with her body. She is down to 12% body fat but not unhealthy like Billie. Rose's ass and thighs are firmer than mine.
She believes she thinks differently than others. I believe she does too. I think she would rate high on a sociopath test. My cat seems to like her though Rose's reaction to the cat's need for affection is one of amusement.

She curls up next to me. She is willing to sleep with me. Rose likes to be dominated, but sex with her is not as fulfilling as with Billie. There is no love. It lacks intimacy.

The weekends are still hard for me. Often I do not feel like getting out of bed. I texted Billie this weekend. She says she still feels awful about everything. I know feeling awful and feeling like you made a mistake are two different things. Regardless, I can not take her back, which is the worst part. I am adrift-- again. The analogy says I was in a house of darkness while I was with Billie, and each of us struggled to provide what little light we had. The world outside is full of light (love).   I am not out in this light yet. I feel like I struggle between trying to pull someone new into the darkness and taking that first step into the light.

The answer to fulfillment is an elusive goal. The books easily describe what I am doing wrong, but they make living life correctly sound like a long and lonely path with a reward that is not tangible.