Why

"Why would you want to be with someone that does not want to be with you?"  My therapist once asked me.   It is a simple question.  The answer should be easy.  I don't.

Each time there is contact between Billy and I it sets me back.  I tell myself I will not reach out to her again.  Not now, not while the wound is still fresh, but in my head I imagine scenarios when it would be appropriate to contact her.  I want to hold her.  I want to feel her love again.

I started taking CBD oil to calm my anxiety and help me sleep.  It is not working.  I think it is like alcohol and just makes me more emotional.  I thought drugs were supposed to numb the pain.  After Billy left I cleaned out the house and removed the memories of her.  Part of me wished she left a pack of heroin behind.  Just one small square of folded tin foil forgot beneath the couch cushions waiting to be found.  There was none.  That is a good thing.  One pack would probably send me to the ER.  Billy is a pro with a tolerance built up over years.

I have no chemical addictions.  There was a time when we were first going out that I felt like I was addicted to Billy.  Just the chance to be with her would send me running.  Am I still that starved for affection?  I always hear you need to love yourself.  I do love myself.  I know there is love for me all around.  As I am writing this I am picturing the past, Billy and I lying in bed our legs entwined and sleeping.  Loving yourself does not replace the comfort of such physical contact.  I see people around me all day that never get to feel such comfort and I wonder to myself, how do they continue to live?

I tell myself I do not want to love again, but I spend my time swiping left and right on these stupid dating apps. Love opens you up to pain but I know I long to touch someone, someone I love.