Birthday

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me?
No corner you could squeeze me
But I've got all the time for you love

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain
Will I hold you again? The Space Between,  Dave Mathews Band

So I managed to avoid texting Billy on her birthday, but she is texting me on mine two days later.  "Happy Birthday.  Hope you have a great day."   A simple thank you does not begin to say what I would like.

I guess it is time to tell what happened between Billy and me.  For the last five years, we have lived together.  Living life day by day. For the last year and a half, she has been working as an electrical apprentice.  I am very proud of how well she is doing in this new career.  One of her co-workers told her he had feelings for her in the spring.  Instead of shutting him down, she started texting with him outside of work.  I warned her what he was doing.  I saw how it would go.  I asked her to stop, but she would not.

In July, she ended up sleeping with him.   I figured it out right away.  I asked her what she was thinking.  I gave her a chance to make things right, but she didn't, and she ended up moving back to her parents.

This is more complicated than just the affair.  We were making plans and looking to the future. It scared her.  Our age difference (28 years) and her desire to get married, have kids, and a normal life weighed on her.

I understand.  I don't hate her for wanting these things. I do hate the way she decided to end things, but that is a women's way.  Her dream is more than likely just a fantasy.  She is still an addict (heroin mixed with fentanyl now).   She has been an addict all her adult life, and she is 27 years old.   I don't think she will be able to quit any time soon.  Without the stability I brought to her life, it is more unlikely.

I should be glad she is gone.  I should be happy I am no longer involved in her decline.  The drugs and the demand of her physically demanding job have not been kind to her.  She is too thin.  Her face looks older than her years.  I will always care about her.  I have done what I could to give her a chance at a good life.  It is up to her now, but she is currently one bad day away from disaster.  I cannot say I understand why she chose this.  She said to me once during the time when she was moving out, "I don't think I deserve to be happy."

My phone reminds me of the past.  One year ago today, we were in Traverse City visiting the lighthouse on the peninsula.  In the pictures, we were happy.