Summer, Not Summer

 Max came over Saturday morning. We went to breakfast, then he helped me add spacers behind the wheels on the Gladiator. Just for the look. The spacers push the wheels and tires out 1.25 inches. It sounds like a little but it makes a subtle difference in the appearance. We all know an extra inch doesn't hurt. 

Sunday, I helped Sam move a chair from her mother's house to her current home and a second chair from her sister's house to her mother's house. After, we went for a bike ride. We went to Metrobeach. It is not my favorite place to ride. You end up dodging too many people that don't seem to realise they are sharing a path.

Sam and I have been spending a lot of time together. She even joked to her mom that I am her new boyfriend, but there is no romantic interest between us. 

Work is becoming is busy. I have a coworker retiring at the end of the month and I am inheriting one of his projects. It is currently is shit show of a project and I don't see him resolving the issues before month's end. This business is for a part we didn't want. It and it will cost us more in engineering time and effort than profit, but we couldn't say no to the customer.

This is not the summer I envisioned. 

Changing Things Up

I spent over two hours on the phone switching my wireless carrier from Verizon to ATT on Saturday. I wanted to bundle my phone and internet for a 25% discount on my phone service. The first customer representative was friendly to talk with, but he fucked things up. I spent an hour undoing what he did, but now I have to wait till Thursday to place a new order. What a headache.

I also went and signed up at BJs. It is a bulk food club, like Cosco. After the cashback, it will cost me $5 for the year. I don't really buy food in bulk, but I figure I can spend enough money there each month to make it worthwhile. The real reason I signed up is for the cheaper gas. Right, now, gas is costing me about $100 a week. 

Due to this inflation, I am looking for ways to cut my monthly costs. Being fiscally responsible is so much work. I need to stop vaping. That would save me a bundle. Unfortunately, I have not been able. I enjoy it too much. I would cut back on the number of times I see Ava, but she is looking at getting a full-time job in July, so I think her availability will wain anyway.

I am not in a hurry to replace her if it does. At least not until the fall. I seem to have better luck in the fall. Which is unfortunate because I really like being active in the summer. Still, having some around in the winter gets me through the holidays.

I haven't heard back from Tinkerbell yet. I think the best-case scenario is they put a patch over the relationship. It might hold till T-Rex is out of high school, but she will be thinking about leaving again once he does. People seldom change.

Week's End

Alexis' mom was in a car accident Wednesday. She is okay, but she is in the hospital with broken ribs. Apparently, the hospital is overcrowded so getting her into a room was problematic. She will be in the hospital for a few more days.

The girl I saw last week wants to meet again. I never gave her a blog name because I didn't think her story was going somewhere. She claims not to be your typical addict. Then again, I would say Billie was not your typical addict. Billie was a functional addict. Either way, I don't need to go back down that road. 

Tinkerbell called me last night at 11:00 pm. It was usually late for a weekday. She and Tech are having issues, and she was upset. They are not the type of issues that are easily fixed. They are supposed to talk more tonight, but I feel, at best, it will only be a temporary fix.

Work has been busy. I don't have time to put my thoughts into words. I will try catching up this weekend.

Everything Comes With A Price

Lately, I have had more I would like to record and filter through here than I have the time.

Tuesday, I woke up extra early and was on the road by 5:00 am. I need to drive almost three hours to Grand Rapids for a review at the plant with a customer. It poured during the first hour of the drive. On Monday, I put new All-Terrain tires on the Gladiator, which sure did come in handy on the wet roads.

I made it to Grand Rapids early. Then I found out one of the customer's tested positive in his hotel room for Covid. He spent all morning running around trying to find a place to confirm it. He got the results of the test at 12:30. It was also positive. The plant would not let him or any of his party enter. 

What was supposed to be a two-day trip to Grand Rapids turned into a wasted drive. I tried salvaging the even by texting Ava to see if she could slip away on short notice. Tuesday is usually her best opportunity.

The weather was clear and cool on the drive back. It isn't as fun making long drives when you are alone. I prefer my road trips with a companion. When I am alone, all I fixate on is my thoughts and getting to my destination.

I made it home by 4:00, and Ava said she would be over at 6:00. I picked up a light dinner for us at Noodle and Company, and we sat at the kitchen table, ate, and caught up. I understand Ava, probably better than she understands herself. At the very least, I see her from a different perspective.

Ava wants to be financially secure. I suggested hard work is part of the process, but she dismissed it. Ava feels hard work hasn't gotten her where she wants to be in the past. She sees others getting rich quickly and wants her share of the pie. Maybe it is my age speaking, but I don't think it works that way for most people. I don't think most people want to put in the effort to become rich.

Ava stays longer than she intends, then rushes off at the night's end after making plans to meet again.

Ava justifies her actions according to her thoughts. She is a master of cognitive dissonance. For example, Ava has this boyfriend who constantly buys her flowers (an activity she thinks is wasteful) and is always out buying her favorite foods to keep her happy, so she wants to be with him. He doesn't realize the best way to keep her comfortable and around is to just let her be herself. She certainly would have more respect for him.

Meanwhile, she slips away to see me when she can, admitting to having the best sex she has ever had with me. I can't help noticing a moral conflict there. At least for now, she rationalizes it away. I am just having sex with him and making money. It doesn't mean anything. Ava's boyfriend wouldn't see it the same way. Her actions will eventually get her caught. I don't see the guy dumping her, though. Instead, he will beg her to change, and without consequences, she will probably do it again.

He doesn't understand that. He has little relationship experience and is rooted in old ideas, while Ava is a textbook example of the modern woman. True, I am seeing things in a favorable light for me. However, I am also seeing things based on human nature and the odds. If Ava was older, or once a few more of her get-rich schemes don't pan out, Ava would hook up with someone like him because she would see it as her best bet for long-term security. For now, though, she still thinks she has time. 

If there is one thing I've learned, everything comes with a price.

Week In Review

Elon Musk is not only the wealthiest man on the planet. He continually shows he is also the biggest dick on the planet. That is more than I wanted to say on that matter.

Last night, I made plans to meet Firefly at Green Lantern Pizza. It is a place Sam and I often go to eat. I had the hostess seat me, and Firefly arrived a few moments after.

Firefly was dressed in yoga pants and a lightweight, long sleeve shirt. The grey top was one she purchased when we were on our road trip and had an image of the Parthenon in Nashville, Tennessee, on it. The oversized top mostly hides her advanced pregnancy.

 Firefly's hair is blonde, but her nature orange is showing through. She looks healthy. Her face is clear and fuller. I didn't change after work because I dressed casually in jeans and a dark blue button-down shirt.

We hugged and sat down to order. Things have been falling into place for Firefly. She and her boyfriend moved into a condo recently. It is in a good area not far from my work. She is six months clean, and her probation is on track. Money is tight, but so far, they are getting by. Firefly seems to be getting a lot of assistance, which helps.

I ordered a gluten-free pizza. Firefly ordered a Ceaser salad, and we talked for over an hour and a half, catching up. Firefly's baby shower is this month. She said about forty people would attend. I declined but told her to let me know if she doesn't get something she needed for the baby.

I am glad she is doing well. Firefly seems focused on succeeding, and that is all we can hope.

This weekend was packed with activities. I met a new girl Saturday, she seemed nice, but I could tell she was an addict, and I told her I could not see her. It wouldn't be good for her or me. 

Saturday night, I went to dinner with Sam, and then Sunday, we went biking though it was drizzling and overcast. Sam and I have been spending a lot of time together. We get along well, and it gets me out of the house.

Sunday morning, before biking, Max came over, and we went to breakfast. He seems to be doing really well. Max has lost a lot of weight. He weighs the same as me and looks really good. Max has no interest in dating, though the girls would flock to him. He is learning Sicilian for fun. I have to go to Grand Rapids for two days this week for work, but I will try getting Max out on a bike when I get back.

The Counselor

This post strayed from the title, but I am reluctant to change it. I think the relevance is still buried within. 

Ava strolled into the condo early Wednesday morning. "What's going on? The bikes aren't on the rack."

"I wasn't too sure of the weather or how much time you would have," I reply.

"It's not supposed to rain till later, and I don't need to be back till 12:30," Ava explains.

"It will only take me five minutes."

I ran upstairs, threw on some shorts, and loaded the bike onto the back of the Gladiator. Under a gloomy grey sky, we headed out to the Orchard Trail. a few raindrops appeared on the windshield during the drive, but the actual rain held off during our ride. 

Though overcast, it was warm out. Ava seemed preoccupied and quiet at first. I did most of the talking, which isn't out of character for me. Ava loved the trail. The section we rode is covered by a canopy of trees and is very scenic.

Ava opened up along the ride. She talked about her new relationship. Much like the Psychic suggested, I found myself playing the counselor. Still not sure what to make of that psychic reading. 

We rode a short nine miles before loading the bikes back up and heading for the condo.

Ava went upstairs to freshen up, and I used the bathroom downstairs. Ava had the blinds drawn and the bathroom door shut when I entered the bedroom. It can never be dark enough for her, and in the winter, we would compromise and leave the light in the hallway on. She confessed she is this way with everyone. She doesn't want me to see her stretch marks. I have never noticed any stretch marks, and regardless, I think she is beautiful. I have enormous scars on both my legs. My body is a map of my age and experience. A few stretch marks do not compare.

Ava snuggled under the red sheet and beige comforter that would soon be discarded. "Are you going to let me tie you to the bed today?" I ask her.

"I don't think I will ever be ready to relinquish that much control to some," she tells me.

"If not me, who else would you trust?" (who else would offer?) "Besides, you know the safe word." 

Ava laughs. I've often kidder her that our safe word should be don't stop.

"I'd be gentle. I just like to see you get wet and excited," I tell her.

"Then take me to the strip club."

"Silly, I've already taken you to the strip club!"

This is a side of her she doesn't reveal to anyone else. While I kiss and stroke her body, our conversation devolves into a fantasy of us adding a third to the bedroom. We kiss, and I explore Ava's body with my hands and lips, taking my time. Ava relishes the attention, and she is wet and excited by the time I position myself above her.

I like to tease her by entering her slowly, but Ava doesn't let me anymore. She thrusts her hips forward, plunging me deep inside her. Ava does things with me that she confesses she has never done with anyone else. That sounds more elaborate than the reality. Still, the sex is a long and drawn-out mixture of passion and sweat. Some of the best I've had. 

She feels this way too. "We are lucky to have found each other," she tells me during our encounter.

I agree, but keep the rest of my thoughts to myself. Ava and I get along well in many ways. Sometimes I wish we could be more, but I am not naive enough to believe it is possible. Anything more would dilute the excitement I feel whenever we are together.

Ava doesn't complicate my life. On the contrary, I am the contradiction between what she has and what she wants. I am the thorn she is unwilling to remove.

After, we lie together beneath the covers. Ava's head is on my chest, and our faces nuzzle together like jigsaw pieces. Ava plots out elaborate schemes for us to get away. Plans that are too risky, too complicated to succeed. Still, she wants them as much as I do.

I am going to sit back and see how it unfolds. I don't pressure Ava. I think she gets enough of that from the other side. I feel like our encounters sow enough doubt in her mind. My actions stem from a greater understanding of human nature I am acquiring. A knowledge I don't focus upon myself with enough intensity. 

Words From The Past

Because I have been rummaging through old posts and deciding I was a better writer back then, I am reposting this because it seems relevant. 

Words Give Us Away
Originally Posted, Saturday, August 22, 2009

"Our words give us away." It seems like the phrase should come from the lyrics of a familiar song, but I can't seem to remember the tune. Help me, please, if you do. It is not the spoken words I'm referring to. Those only hold the weight our bodies and our actions give them. "Actions speak louder than words" is one of my favorite mantras.

I am referring to the written words. The post we make on the blogs we pseudo-anonymously hide behind. I have this theory, the more popular the blog, the more contrived the posts. Perhaps that is just sour grapes over my decline in readership. I am often told by some that no one thinks like I do. I haven't decided if that is a bad thing or not. I'm leaning toward feeling it is a good thing-- just not a comforting thing.

So why the title? What am I trying to say? A couple things and nothing. I feel I should be writing but am short on material-- for now. Lately, I'd rather be talking than writing. Though the talking does lead to writing. I have left those in the draft mood for now. I have been reluctant to print what I want to say here because our words give us away.

*     *     *

I had a category on previous blogs, "Too Close To Call." Often cryptic posts eluding how I was feeling fell into this category.

Play The Martyr

Originally Posted Saturday, November 17, 2007

Play the Martyr, stretch out your arms, and call for the nails. It doesn't matter that the crowd has gone home. You could leave on your own. When you're dead, there is no need to take responsibility for what you've known all along.

Play the Martyr, curse their sins till their stones crush your skull. Don't pick yourself up. Let them drag your remains through the mud. An unmarked grave will mark your unremarkable life.

Play the Martyr, hang from the gallows, neck snapped at the spine. You know just how dangerous second-best can be. You settle for lies like you settle for less. Does this make you feel safe?

*     *     *

My writing then was fueled by depression and alcoholic outings. These days, I seldom drink, and my depression is mostly held at bay without the need for antidepressants. Devoid of the chaos I tend to bring into my life, all that is left is to live. Sometimes, that seems like the hardest thing to do.