Card Carrying

 Friday, I raced home for the meeting. I avoided stopping at the bank and the grocery store, so I would have time to prepare, and the customer did not even show up for the meeting. WTF. Still, I wasn't looking forward to the meeting anyway.

One of my coworkers asked what I was doing for Ava for Valentine's Day. It has been on the back of my mind. Ava has taken on a significance in my life. The number of posts mentioning her keeps rising in the tracker on the right side of the blog.

I don't know what would be appropriate given the situation. I don't think a store-bought card would send the right message. When I was young, and the ex-wife and I were dating, I hand made her a card every week. Some of those were quite creative. I made Billie a few cards while we were together. My talent has atrophied, but I decided to create one for Ava. It is thoughtful without gushing with love.

At this point, the concept of love seems contrived. I have been in love, and it has never worked out well for me. Best to avoid it.

At this point, Ava is still a mystery. Her actions and words do not align. The phrase I keep reminding myself is, "never need someone more than they need you."  That should be my next tattoo-- added in Latin to the other phrases that make up the sleeve on my left arm. They are a road map of quotes I should remember but seldom do.

Here are a few translated back into English.

Don't waste your time saying that's not fair.
What nourishes me destroys me. (this being love)
I suffer, but I shall overcome
Remember to live
Actions, not words (keep this in mind when dealing with people)

I have been talking to a couple of other girls recently. For a while, I planned on forgetting about other women and just concentrating on Ava. Now, I am not too sure. There is no reason to put all my eggs in one basket. Spring is coming, and I want to have someone I count on being around.

End of Week Wrap

 Yesterday, I received my free covid 19 test kits from the government. Four kits that will probably never get used. It is a year too late if you ask me. Thank you, US government. Guess I will save them for the next variant.

I have been trying to write a fictional novel. It hasn't been going too well. I've started several, but I don't see the whole story in my head. I am not sure what I am going to do. Writing a fictional novel is on my bucket list. 

I am anxious for the weekend and anxious for spring. The weekend will have to wait. Some idiot in Mexico scheduled a meeting from 4:00 pm to 6:30 pm on a Friday night! Spring, unfortunately, is out of my control too. The temperatures are increasing, but it is too early to get our hopes up here. This is Michigan.

I don't have anything to report. Nothing new is going on. Max is coming over tomorrow. We are working on his car. Ava is spending the night on Sunday. So perhaps I will have fodder as the weekend unfolds.

Its A Girl, Its Always About A Girl

Firefly is having a girl. I told her it is karma getting back at her for being such a difficult child. I know there is a lot of concern for the baby and her. I share those concerns, but I hope for the best. I think she is making the wrong decision, and I expressed that once to her. Now, I am being optimistic and encouraging to her. She needs some of that.

Whenever I see the boyfriend/father, who is about five years older than her, he seems like a deer in headlights. I have more doubts about him sticking around than I do Firefly. I hope she is mentally prepared to raise the child alone if it comes to that. Those thoughts, I keep to myself.

*     *     *

I think I am beginning to understand Ava a bit more. Ava is still a tough onion to peel. I have to listen closely. When her guard is down, the off-hand comment reveals more than answers to questions.

She is searching for direction and making up for what she feels is lost time. Sunday after watching an episode of The Magicians and having sex in bed I said, "I don't know if I am slowly 50 shades of greying you, or if you have more experience than you let on."

"You probably have not been with a girl who held on to her virginity as long (as I)," was her reply. I am looking forward to our upcoming trip. I wish it were sooner. It is still seven weeks away. 

Sam thinks it will mark a change in our relationship and I do see the possibility of stretching the boundaries. Ava admits, unasked, that our relationship is a priority to her. That may sound self-obvious, but it hasn't been the approach of Firefly or the Gymnast. I'd say Ava's age and upbringing are the difference. It certainly is not out of need or greed. Ava is the most self-sufficient of the bunch. Time will tell.

Time

The comments I am making on other blogs seem to be a testament to my mood. Self-diagnosing, I'd say seasonal affective disorder has set in. I have not been getting enough sunlight. I decided to up my vitamin D intake, but I don't think it is the same as basking in natural daylight.

I feel locked in stoicism. Silent. Not talking about what is bothering me, unable to clarify my thoughts.

Saturday, Firefly stopped by to pick up a few things she left behind, and it was good to see her. She brought her new boyfriend with her. He is a short, nondescript guy. You wouldn't look twice at him if you saw him on the streets. I see years of struggling ahead for her.

Firefly is currently working two jobs, but she says she is not making much money and wanted her GrubHub bag to start doing that also on the side. Her car is fixed. Her dad paid more money repairing it than it is worth, and it is now a mismatched silver and black. Driving for Gubhub will not extend its life. 

"I wouldn't let her drive," I warned the boyfriend.

Saturday night, I got dinner with Sam at the Enginehouse in Mt. Clemens. She asked me if I remember the Motley Crew/ Aerosmith concert we saw many years ago. It was on a cold October night in sleeting rain. 

"Yes, I remember," I tell her. "It is a post in my book." I pulled out my phone and flipped to the entry. It is hard to believe that it was sixteen years ago. My post-divorce life is well documented in blog posts. The memories still seem fresh. It distorts my perception of time. My earliest posts date back to May of 2005, seventeen years ago. I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. Yet, so much has changed.

I've been playing a mind game lately, imagining what the world will be like in one hundred years from now. From my viewpoint, it is a dystopian outlook, but it would probably seem like a normal progression to someone born in 2005. 

Did you read 1984 when you were going to school? We live in that world. Firefly tried getting me to watch Euphoria on HBO when she was here. I found the reality it portrays disturbing and alien, and I consider myself tuned into the younger generations because I have spent much of the last twenty years involved with them.

Now, I find myself admitting some things I just don't understand. The same way youth cannot understand the way we were raised. It is disheartening. What we learned doesn't work today. It's called old-world thinking. 

I have been watching mindless vampire series lately. Seldon do they portray the reality of living forever. You would have to reinvent yourself every twenty years to keep up with change. I find myself struggling just to keep up with it.

Quixotic

 In the end, Don Quixote denounced his fantasies, saying, "I was mad, and now I am sane." 

I pulled this quote from a post I wrote on December 12, 2005. I was reminded of it when I read Peppy's post. Back then, I still wanted to believe in metaphoric giants and damsels in distress, but even then, I knew they were illusions. 

My age is showing. The conversations I've had with young people lately show me the generation gap between us. Something I seldom encountered before. I feel like I will be cut off by the phrase, "Okay, boomer," at any moment.

I have been pulling back from engaging in conversations. People do not want to debate. If they agree with your viewpoint, they will talk with you, but they want to shut you down if they disagree. People don't think for themselves. They don't question their beliefs and actions. 

More and more, I just want to be left alone. It is probably not a good thing. I would like to find like-minded people. It seems difficult, not because I am opinionated, but because I am not. I am open to debate. 

In my area, we did not get the snow predicted. Maybe, there are six inches on the ground, but that is not a challenge for the Gladiator. This morning, the roads were 80% cleared. I live in a small pocket in South-Eastern Michigan that just gets passed over.

Waiting For The Snow

 I woke this morning expecting to see snow, but it hasn't started yet. There are no workers outside today building new condos and it is silent here.  It is very peaceful and I am enjoying it. I might go out for a joy ride in the evening to test out the Gladiator in deep snow if we get it.

Last night, I went to Walmart to stock up on snacks. Some of the shelves were bare. I substituted ground turkey for ground beef. I have a hankering to make meat balls. I could not find any distilled water for my humidifier and might have to go to another store. Luckily, I have no shortage of stores in the area.

The groundhog won't be seeing his shadow today. Early spring for us, let's hope. 

Fake It

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way, yeah...Fake It, Seether

I am feeling disillusioned by the world today. It seems like too many people spend too much time polishing their image on social media. One person said social media is us producing our brand. Hard work doesn't seem to be in the picture. In one respect, I understand this. What I was raised to consider hard work is not enough to get ahead anymore, but I do think in any endeavor, hard work is still involved.

Ava has many get-rich schemes in her head. She is always looking for mentors, but I don't see the hard work required. Maybe I am wrong. Much of her life, she keeps to herself. I think she is behind for her age, but I haven't gotten to the bottom of how she got where she is today. She doesn't elaborate, but I don't think it is because she spent her twenties partying.

Many people get lost when they don't have to think past just surviving. Today it is easy to survive, and we fill our time with escapist activities that do nothing for our health or wellbeing. I get bombarded with ideas concerning how to live and what is right. I believe in generalities but don't think anything is entirely correct. The one constant takeaway is that life isn't easy. Some days I feel like giving up because often, I don't know what I am struggling to achieve.