Another Year

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

I've been downhearted baby
I've been down-
I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met
Ever since the day we met...

Firefly is still living with me but she is back together with a different boyfriend.  She spends most nights out with him.  This is just what girls do.  One in the hand and one in the pocket.  At first, it was easy pretend everything was normal when she first moved in but now it is like reliving the past.  A past that has been drifting to close to my consciousness these past few days.

We are suppose to be go out to dinner tonight.  Firefly has a little black dress she has been dying to wear out.  I don't feel much like doing it.  The virus makes going out a hassle.  

Billie sent me an email at 6:00 am this morning, "Happy birthday, hope you have a great year."  I am not sure what to make of it.  One in the hand, one in the pocket. It is the third time in ten days she has reached out to me.  I did not acknowledge her birthday two days ago or reply to  her previous email concerning the cable guy.  

So many things I would ask, "Why are you having a great year?"  "Why do you care still feeling guilty or how you ended things and trying to ease your conscience?"  "Are you having second thoughts?"  "Fuck you."  Something kind is not amongst them.  Indifference is the best I can muster.

I don't believe we are meant to go through life alone, but most of us do.  It is just another part of the struggle to live.

I've been downhearted baby
I've been down-
I've been downhearted baby
Ever since the day we met
Ever since the day we met...Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money in My Hand, Primitive Radio Gods

Miss You

Where are you?

And I'm so sorry.

I cannot sleep. I cannot dream tonight.

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time.

And as I stared, I counted

The webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides.

Like indecision to call you

And hear your voice of treason.

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Stop this pain tonight.

Don't waste your time on me.

You're already the voice inside my head. I Miss You, Blink 182

This is the index card taped to my bathroom mirror.  It has been there for about a year now.  It says, "Just because I miss someone doesn't mean I need them back in my life.  Missing is just a part of moving on."

Missing someone is not enough to fix the past.  Missing someone is a waste of energy.

Today is Billie's birthday.  She turns twenty-eight years old.   I will not be contacting her.  Phoenix said he was a hopeless romantic in the comments a few posts back.  I was once too.  Not anymore.  If I focused on Billie, she would come back into my life in some dramatic love triangle.  I don't need that.  I don't deserve it.  I hope your life is everything you wanted it to be.  But then again, it was everything you could possibly hope to have, and it wasn't enough.

Silver Lake

 The weather in Silver Lake was mostly cool and rainy.  Our view from our hotel, blue skies over matching blue water separated by a strip of sand.  Firefly is a good traveling partner.  She is not demanding and rolls with the situation when it comes to eating and activities.

We had a good day Friday and made the most of the weather.  We took the silver Jeep (my old one) out on the sand dunes for one more run.  My silver Jeep (the Punisher), can handle the dunes without issues.  I let Firefly do most of the driving.  It was her first time experiencing the thrill of bouncing up and down the hills.

She buried it once on the top of the test hill, the tallest of the dunes.  She slowed down too early and planted it at the top.  It wasn't a big problem.  There is always someone willing it give you a pull.

Saturday we went into Ludington.  A small town on the shore of lake Michigan.  The weather was cold and windy.  Firefly did not have any opportunities to strip down to her swimsuit but we made the best of the day exploring the town.  Sunday morning the wind we creating large white caps along the shore.  The path to the lighthouse was under the waves.

I told her we can try doing one more trip before she leaves for rehab if she has the time.  The weeks are going by fast here.  I feel like I have a lot I want to do.  I have to get the silver Jeep cleaned up and up for sale.  We still need to vacuum out all the sand inside it and I need to replace the passenger side fender skirt because some little bug hit a trash can trying to avoid an accident.

Wonderwall

Wonderwall-  Someone you find yourself thinking about all the time; someone you are infatuated with.

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall.. Wonderwall, Oasis

Last Wednesday before Firefly and I went on vacation, I had a repairman scheduled to come to the condo for an issue with my internet service.  Well, he arrived early while I was out, and when he could not reach me on the phone, he called Billy.  Her number must also still be on the account.  She ended up texting me.

Billy: The repairman from ATT called me saying he is on his way.  How is everything going.

I didn't reply.  This morning while I was catching up on my emails I noticed she emailed me on Saturday.

Billy: Hey.. did you get a new phone number? The repairman from att called me to say that they were on their way. I sent u a text but no response.. just checking in.

I have not replied to her email either.  Not sure I should.  What would be the point?  The only reason to reply would be to keep the door open.  I don't want that.  This Wednesday is her birthday.  My desire is to text her happy birthday but let's be honest, that isn't letting go.  What do you think?

I will update you on our vacation once I get caught up with work and the new truck :).

The Crusher

 It is a beast!   It makes me happy.  It does have the premium suspension, Tommy, including Fox shocks and about anything else you can think of except for electronically disengaging sway bars.  I am only adding wheel spacers and swapping out the bumper for the steel Rubicon bumper.

I am going to add some orange crush logo decals in matching orange and black (instead of green) to the rear quarter.  

Today Firefly and I are going to take my current Jeep to the Silver Lake sand dunes, finally.  I didn't think we would make it this far.   

Thin Ice

Firefly is wearing out her welcome.  I know, addicts are addicts and chaos and destruction just follow in there wake. If it wasn't for this vacation coming up in two days I would be telling her she needs to get into a place now.  As it is she will need to start looking when we get back.  She wanted to stay for my birthday but frankly I don't care. 

Billy's birthday and my birthday are just about ten days away.  I have been thinking about her lately.  Not in an I want her back way.  More like I would have nothing nice to say way. 

A steady rain is coming down outside and I am about to jump in the shower before going to make a deal for that new Gladiator.  I would like the rain to stop before I get to the dealership but it looks like I will be bring an umbrella and a rain jacket.

Gladiator

Monday morning.  I get out of bed and make a cup of coffee.  The nights are cooler now.  The chill lingers into the morning.  I catch up on my blogs, emails and videos through the morning.  When I do step away from the computer, I glance into the bedroom.  Firefly is tucked up under the covers peacefully sleeping and quietly snoring.  The sounds of a construction crew drift in from the door wall.  They are building a new set of condos down the block, the pounding and sawing is far enough away that the noise is peaceful.

One more week of work before I have ten days off.  It is worth using four days of vacation to get ten days in a row.  I still have five vacation days left.  I am not sure when I will use them.

I am on a pick-up truck kick again.  I cannot turn away from the Jeep Gladiator.  There is a white Gladiator with a white top coming into a local dealer.  I am interested in it.

I have been researching what my current Jeep is worth.  I can get $25,000 for it easily. That is more than Max needs for a second vehicle.  I will help him buy something in the $10,000 to $12,000 range.  I will probably sell my Jeep out right.  I don't want Firefly driving a new Jeep Gladiator into the city.  I'll keep the old one around until she goes to rehab then I'll clean it up and sell it.  I hope she will be going to rehab by the end of September.  She says she is making plans but I have not heard her vocalizing them.