Just Don't Need It All

He wants to dream like a young man

With the wisdom of an old man

He wants his home and security

He wants to live like a sailor at sea

Beautiful loser, where you gonna fall?

You realize you just can't have it all

He's your oldest and your best friend
If you need him, he'll be there again
He's always willing to be second best
A perfect lodger, a perfect guest
Beautiful loser, read it on the wall
And realize you just can't have it all
You can't have it all. You can't have it all
Oh, oh, can't have it all...Beautiful Loser, Bob Seger

I have had much on my mind lately, but I have not been able to articulate it. When I go to dinner with Sam, I am silent. I've noticed I gravitate to a certain type of person, whether it is a woman or a man, they tend to have issues that trigger my deep-rooted childhood.

A coworker said to me today, "You are lucky I like you."

I replied, "No, you are lucky I like you. Whether you like me or not has no bearing on my job."

I have not heard from Ava in two weeks. It will be interesting to see how long it will be before she reappears. If she even does at all. Hopefully, she gets this new job sorted out and makes time to slip away.

Tinkerbell called me twice last night. She received a bad review from her bosses. The major complaint was that she didn't get along with her coworkers. Tink is a good worker. Her staff like her. The people in her groups like her. The managers on the same level as her are older. I think they are intimidated by Tinkerbell. Although, getting along with others has never been her strong suit.

I find it disappointing that she ignored me over the holidays only to reach out when she was having a bad day. She didn't mention any other problems, but maybe she is suffering from the same seasonal blues.

Direction

 Max is struggling with career direction. He is disenchanted with college and his career opportunities and has decided he wants to get into an apprenticeship program in the trades. He is looking at electrical. He wants to get into the Electrical Union apprentice program, but the local chapter is not accepting applications at this time.

I told him I could reach out to Billie, who is now a journeyman electrician, to see if she could put in a good word at her company. I texted Billie yesterday. She and her baby are doing well. Billie suggested Max would do better in the union, but she would she if her company is hiring if Max wants. 

Tuesday night, Max came over, and we worked on his resume. I reformatted his resume and gave him some pointers that would help him get more notice. He is looking at applying for the Electrical Union apprentice program in Flint. They are accepting applications. Flint is an hour away, though. He will have to do a lot of driving.

Guardianship

 The twin's guardianship court hearing was today. My twins are cognitively impaired. They can live on their own but need help with many of life's more difficult activities. Guardianship is renewed every five years. TheEx is the twin's guardian. Her husband, the twin's stepfather, is second. I stopped fighting this long ago.

Logically, if something happens to TheEx, I seriously doubt the stepfather is going to want to take over the responsibility for the twins. They were adults before he even came into the picture. The stepdad is just a wet noodle that goes along with whatever his wife wants.

TheEx has been the twin's guardian since they turned adults. They are twenty-nine now. During her time as their guardian, she has failed to get them involved in programs that would allow them to socialize or help them get and keep a job. They are isolated. They spend most of their time at home alone.

The courts think she is doing a good job. They set the bar pretty low in these cases. I tried to get guardianship last time, but things were stacked against me. Mostly the status quo. I no longer care to have guardianship. It would be too much work to undo the harm she has done. When I say harm, I mean the quality of life, confidence, and self-reliance the twins could have learned.

TheEx would consider me a bad father. She wouldn't see her part in what was created. She would see herself as a martyr. I don't think you should get sympathy for what you create yourself. 

There are few people I cannot stand. TheEx is one. Not because she divorced me. I actually thank her for that. I blame her for how the divorce affected the kids. 

Blue Monday

Well, SAD (seasonal affective disorder) sure does explain much of the way I have been feeling. January is a long month, but we are halfway through.

Saturday, I received a text from Alexis.

Alexis: Going with us this evening?

Bathwater: I don't think so.

Alexis: You are Debbie Downer. You would have fun.

Alexis was referring to the fundraiser. One of Sam's coworkers has leukemia and is facing large medical bills. The fundraiser is for her. I didn't respond to Alexis' comment, but later, Sam called and asked if I wanted to 'uber" them from the event. "If I am driving there to pick you two up, I might as well go."

I cleaned myself up and headed over to pick them up. The fundraiser was at a UAW hall close to my work. I was there for a bachelor party many years ago. So long ago, I cannot remember whose bachelor party it was. The hall has been remodeled since that party. It is a nice venue. Union due funded.

The fundraiser seemed to have a good turnout. Sam and Alexis are beauticians. They work with plenty of females. There was a heavy mix of females in the crowd. I knew several and met a few new ones. I can pass as somewhat entertaining and charming when the occasion calls for it. Especially after a few beers.

Alexis was hammered by the end of the night. Sam had less to drink. I allowed myself to be dragged out onto the dance floor a couple of times. Once with a woman I do not like, and once with Sam. I am not much of a dancer, though.

Going to parties like these reminds me that it is not me physically that is the problem. I found myself getting plenty of attention from a few women at the party. It's me mentally that is the problem. Which might be harder to change, though I am trying. 

I have boxed myself into this corner. I don't want to date women my own age. I am not looking for someone to take care of or to take care of me. I like to have fun, but I don't want to change my ways. Ava was perfect for that, but I don't like the hassle of finding someone new every year, and I am not getting any younger.

I don't want to settle. You know what was nice about being with Billie? There was no one else I wanted to be with. Now, I don't want to get that close. I won't fight to keep someone around. Not anymore. It isn't worth it.

It Is What It Is

This post has been in draft for a few days. Work has been busy, and I have been lazy.

I worked in the office Friday afternoon after Ava and I parted. I texted Sam and asked if she wanted to go to dinner. I was making an effort to get out. I haven't been very social lately. Tinkerbell hasn't shown any interest in getting together for whatever reason, and though I have seen a few other friends over the last few weeks, I prefer sitting at home.

The weekend was no different. I went to dinner with Sam, but I couldn't wait to get home. I spent the rest of the weekend watching episodes of House and playing video games. I am not sure if this is a problem. I would deny I am depressed. I have had depressive episodes, and this doesn't feel the same. 

Sam invited me to a fundraiser at a hall next weekend. It would be a chance to meet some new people, but it sounds exhausting. I have not been good company lately. Which does point toward depression or maybe just winter.

It has been a while since I heard from Tinkerbell. She is distancing herself from me. She tends to do that with everyone in her life. She doesn't speak to her family. I can't blame her, though. After all, I tend to do the same thing. We are kindred souls.

I have stopped wondering what this year will hold for me. It is what it is. Ava's favorite saying. She'd be proud. 

Intimate Moment

I texted Ava Friday morning. "You are not sleeping in on me, are you?"

"He left for work late. It's complicated."

 We planned to meet at my condo early. I took a half day off, though I worked while I waited. Ava arrived quicker than I expected. It is a forty-minute drive from her home to mine. 

I head downstairs when she enters, grabbing her in a tight embrace and squeezing her butt with both hands. 

"I have to shower," she tells me after a long series of kisses.

I headed back to the loft to finish more work while Ava jumped in the shower. We met up beneath the covers. I showed off my new scars, and we discussed what was new. Ava is starting a full-time job this week. She will be an administrative assistant. The position will take most of her time, and she still plans on watching dogs on the weekend. Though it may afford some opportunities for us. The verdict is still out.

I tried not to exert my shoulder too much. I let Ava do half the work. She looks good on top. After, we drove around the corner for smoothies and continued our conversation. We discussed various days that might work out to get together this month. I think part of the reason Ava stayed away is she doesn't do good with weakness. She has no empathy and isn't the caregiving type. That's okay. I am not good at relying on others.

Hibernate

 The new year is here. Tomorrow I have to return to work. I will be previewing my emails after I finish this post. I don't like coming back to a full slate. Looks like there are 80 emails waiting for me. That is not bad. I usually start a morning with 20 or more.

Last week my doctor said I was doing better than most. I feel good. The arm is healing nicely. I am back to my regular routines, minus any heavy lifting. I have a full range of movement; at this point, and the pain is no worse than before the surgery. I expect it to get even better as it heals.

I have a few new scars. The areas around my shoulder where he added stitches are still raised and puckered. That is annoying. 

I have begun hibernating. Very little going on here. I did not build anything over the holidays, but I might get back into it today. Sam dragged me out for dinner yesterday, and Max stopped over on New Years' day.