My Thoughts

 I don't blame Ava for making the decision she did. She is getting everything she wants right now. Well, almost everything. The fact she admits to wanting to change him and that she wants to continue seeing me despite the fact it would jeopardize the relationship suggests some things are missing.

Ava has a strong personality and can positively influence a person. She changed some of my habits just through her presence, but this new boyfriend was complacent before meeting Ava. He was overweight and didn't take care of himself or his home. Relationships tend to make a person complacent, though, and like I told her, he probably thinks he won the prize, and the race is over. It's not.

I've come to understand female nature better in the last two years by reading and analyzing past relationships and the women around me. Ava is a textbook example. I am not saying she is a bad person. On the contrary, I like Ava. She is a lot of fun to be around. Without feeling I've been taken advantage of, I've taken away some valuable lessons from her and had great experiences. I'm sad to see it ending so soon.

I wish I learned these things earlier in life, but back then the information was not as readily available. It is a shame most of our knowledge comes through living experiences. I envy those who learn things at a young.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
To save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now, here he comes...When You Were Young, The Killers

Instinct Over Triggers

I'm in the simulator, I'm doin' a-okay
But every day is just rewind and replay
Not today (ah)
I'll head out to Monterey
Throw my phone into the waves
Can you see it in my eyes? Am I finally awake?

I left work yesterday and headed straight to pick up Ava. She wanted to get a light dinner before yoga. When she got into the truck, I could tell she was apprehensive. As we headed to the nearby restaurant, I asked her what had been going on with her. Ava started describing her week, but she wasn't making much sense.

"You are talking in euphemisms," I said. "Just tell me what's going on."

My instincts were correct. The guy she has been casually seeing wanted one thing for his birthday last week.  He wanted her to be his girlfriend. Despite her trying to say no and holding him off, in the end, she said yes. He had deduced how she made the bulk of her money, and she told him she had an incurable venereal disease (the reason she was sick last weekend and something I just learned). Neither mattered to him. 

He is madly in love with her. Blindly in love with her. He wants her to move in with him and has added her to his credit cards so she doesn't have to work and can concentrate on school. He made him an offer she couldn't refuse, but she doesn't love him for who he is. She loves him for what he does for her. His whole life has been about pleasing her since the day they met.

It seems he didn't have much of a life before they met. In his mid-thirties, with little experience and only two prior girlfriends in his life. It is a situation I understand well.

We continued our conversation over sushi. Ava is willing to cut ties with anyone else, but she still wants to continue seeing me. I pointed out that would be problematic at best. It is not the attitude one enters into a serious relationship. I don't see any difference in the relationship with this new boyfriend than in the one she was contemplating getting into with the rich guy. Both are opportunistic and not based on desire. Still, she wants to get together next Tuesday and is talking about times in the future when she can get away. I told her I would not say no, but that I would be looking for someone else, and she was okay with that. She even offered to help me spruce up my profile with new pictures and to be a future reference. I assured her that once a girl meets me, I usually do alright.

After dinner, we headed back to the condo so I could change before yoga. She gave me a long tight hug in the kitchen, and we kissed. I told her I wasn't surprised. Boyfriends always ruin arrangements like ours, but I was disappointed. Summer is here, and no matter how many times she slipped away, it wouldn't be the same.

We went to yoga, and in the car, she mentioned he was already talking about marriage. Something she is even more reluctant to consider. 

"Marriage? He doesn't even know you," I said, and she agreed. She thinks marriage is an archaic concept.

"No matter how rich or poor you are, for most people, marriage is the biggest financial decision you will ever make."

"Wait, I have to write this down," she replies.

We returned to the condo after yoga. We sat on the couch. Ava rested her head on my lap, facing me. I stroked her arms and waist as we continued talking. "He thinks he is winning the prize at the end of the race," I told her. Maybe he is, but my experience says no. Ava is part of a generation of women that thinks there is always something better around the corner. 

I did most of the talking. I told Ava he has a oneits. Now that he has found her, it doesn't matter how many red flags she raises, he will come to think that she is the only one for him. "How can I change him?" She asks me.

"You can't. Everything you are doing is just reinforcing his beliefs. He thinks that not working on himself and doing everything for you is the way to your heart, but you don't want to be with him for who he is. You are with him for what he does for you. You will come to resent that."

She struggled with my words, but they left her contemplative, and I sensed I had said enough. Ava gave me another long hug, and we kissed before we packed up for the ride back. "I've always treated each time I've seen you as if it could be our last," I tell her. Yet we still have plans to get together next Tuesday. "We are still friends, Ava."

That pleased her. I seem to have a knack for acquiring past lovers as friends lately. Still, each time one of these relationships ends, a little piece of me dies inside-- and summer is here.

Da-da-da-da-da
Crack a smile, crack a smile (da-da-da-da-da)
Stay a while, stay a while (da-da-da-da-da)
I think the best is yet to come
So drink up, and good luck

I've got a record player that was made in 2014
Dyed my hair blue. It came out a seasick sort of green
I like vintage dresses when they fall just below my knees
I pretend I scraped them climbing in the trees...Record Player, Daisy The Great, and AJR

Triggered

Recent events have been triggering my anxiety. I think it is anxiety, though I don't consider myself an anxious person. I described it as restlessness at first. Today, I have been thinking about the root cause, not the triggers. Summer is here, and I want to enjoy the season. That hasn't happened in the last two years. Relationships fizzled. So when Ava canceled getting together twice last week. Once without much of an explanation, the other due to being sick. That was a trigger.

It is a combination of past experiences and my insecure attachment style. My mind could be creating problems that don't exist, but I am hyper-alert and cannot turn that off. It is a learned survival mood learned from childhood. I cannot fathom how people who aren't function. It would be like an alien mindset.

These are all things that make me who I am. Either you understand them, or you don't. Tinkerbell understands them. She called me Monday from her new car on her drive home. Tink knew something was off with me on Sunday. I discussed the latest concerning Ava with Sam Monday night. The last thing she said to me was, "if you need to talk, call me." That is because Sam understands who I am too.

I never sat down and described myself this way to them, but they know. They understand me. I don't feel like Ava gets me. Partly because she doesn't see that person in me and somewhat because she doesn't look deeply. Once, she said, "I don't share my problems with others because I don't have the room to take on theirs."

Weekend

Saturday, Tink and Tech came over to show off the new car. They dropped T-Rex off at his girlfriend's first. T-rex's girlfriend is moving to Texas, so this will be the last time he sees her. Tink is happy about that. She doesn't feel like the girl is a good influence. 

Tink's new car is a gold color-- a light, burnt orange, metallic. I am happy for her. She has needed a new car for a while. We planned to take a ride up along the lake to Algonac. Tink offered to allow me to drive the new car, but I was moody. Just before they arrived, I got a text from Ava. She was sick and would not be able to hang out Saturday night and Sunday as planned.

Tech did the driving, and I sat in the passenger seat. The sun was out, and temperatures were in the high fifties. We parked the car and took a walk along the boardwalk in Algonac. The small city sits on the bank of the St. Clair river. It was windy near the water but not unpleasant. We walked over three miles, and on the way back, Tink and Tech stopped at a fair to buy flowers for Mother's Day.

Sunday, I ran around all the local stores looking for a lighter blanket for summer. I wanted red or black, but I settled for a beige quilted blanket after exhausting all my options.

Found

I was looking through old posts this morning. I want to do a blog post on Peter Pan syndrome. Instead, I got lost in the past. I found these two entries. Due to editing down the number of entries neither made it into my book. I still think I was a better writer back then. I miss the larger audience I used to have. Back then, I would get a dozen or more comments from my largely female audience on every post.

The Date 
Originally Posted, Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The date was a lunch date. I do not know why I always allow myself to be roped into first meetings involving meals. I should know better by now. It should always be coffee or drinks. Because at the end of the story, no one will be saying, "Well, at least you got a free meal out of it." 

I was dressed in my new work clothes, a bright blue button-down shirt, and dark blue pants. I even pulled out a pair of dress shoes. They are a little dated (squared toe), but I don't think she would have known. I felt I looked good. We arrived simultaneously and were immediately seated in the non-smoking section. She had shoulder-length hair, perhaps to shades above bleach blond, and was desperate for a hot oil treatment. Maybe she dyed her own hair and not just the roots when the gray became prevalent, whatever the reason something was taking a toll. The ends needed product. She ordered fish, and she has a thing for seafood. 

I would have guessed her late husband had died of cholesterol issues, not a car crash. I ordered the chicken Parmesan sandwich-- damn the cholesterol. I felt rushed with the meal. She finished quickly, though I asked the questions and allowed her to talk. We talked about our children, cellphones, and concerts (believe it or not), but there was no chemistry. We started talking about work, and she made a face and said she was happy being a stay-at-home mom. I couldn't help wondering who's hard work and death had given her that luxury.

She was religious, went to bible study groups, wine tastings, and went to concerts in limos. I am agnostic, hang out with strippers, and still abuse the occasion prescription drug (yes, most of those habits I could easily clean up). I was not what she was looking for. Which actually was a relief because I already knew this. I allowed her to link to me on Facebook. She was proud of her technological accomplishments over the last few months, like texting and Facebook. Once she viewed my tattoos and my friends, I figured that that would put any interest to bed. If I am 45 and she is a year younger than me, I'd say she would be more comfortable with a guy around 50 with a six-figure income.

*     *     *

Wendy's Tattoo
Originally Posted, Monday, March 29, 2010

Now that you think I am harshly judgmental and wouldn't want to go on a date with me either, I will continue with the rest of Thursday evening.

In every good Peter Pan story where there is a Tinkerbell, there is a Wendy. My Wendy lives an hour to the west of my major Midwestern City, so our visits are few and far between. Wendy and Tinkerbell (no I have not been talking to Tink) are like oil and water though they have never met.

After the date, I had already made plans to see Wendy later that evening. Wendy rents a basement room from her aunt. When I got there she was sleeping, which seems to be her usual condition when every I arrive.

The room was freezing cold. "Get in here and cuddle with me," she orders holding open the comforter, "I've still got six minutes before we have to leave for the bank."

I take off my shoes and oblige. I lie on my back and she snuggles in half on top of me. "What are we doing tonight?" I ask.

She explains her unexpected windfall for choreographing the local high school girl's flag guard and then announces her intention to get another tattoo.

"Sounds like a great idea!" I had been seeing her posting different tattoo ideas on her Facebook for the last couple of days.

She pushed out of bed exactly at the six-minute mark and we drive off to the bank. Her tattoo artist's shop is locked in the center of College Town. We had to park and set out on foot. I expected a night of drinking and playing pool so did not dress for a stroll in the 30-degree weather that decided to return for the evening. We were shivering by the time we entered her preferred artist's studio.

She showed him the pieces she wanted, disappointingly but not surprisingly he was booked for the rest of the night. She makes an appointment to get a tribal-style lion on her right hip for next Wednesday. We headed back out into the cold. Wendy pulled me into a Mexican restaurant around the corner where we eat while she culls her phone for referrals to other artists. She is determined to get something done tonight.

I described my date from earlier that afternoon to her. "See, you always do this," she rebukes me, "you go out a few times, say see I tried, then you end up back with strippers and floozys."

I haven't mentioned Rose to her yet. "So maybe I just like to know when I'm being fleeced."

She doesn't have an answer for me. She knows it would take someone in between to relate to me. When we get back to the car, I hand her the keys, not because I have been drinking but no matter how many times I come to College town and its cluster of nearby cities I refuse to learn my way around. It saves her from having to tell me which way to turn every two minutes. No matter which way she takes us it always seems like we are driving in circles to me.

Ironically the next tattoo parlor is next to a local strip club (no we didn't stop in). Wendy wanted to get a small moon and stars on her left arm to balance out the moon on her right arm. Don't ask, she is OCD that way. There was an artist ready and willing to do the work. While he drew up the piece, which was no bigger than a quarter Wendy and I argue over the quality of the tattoos in the various artist's portfolios.

Wendy's New Tattoo

She didn't flinch and it took all of fifteen minutes. After we went around the corner to have a few beers in celebration. The whole adventure has me excited to add to the tattoo I have on my left arm. I have to find my original sketches and figure out something.

NPC

Got time, time, to wait for tomorrow.
To find it.
To find it...Plush, Stone Temple Pilots

Lately, I feel like I have been waiting for tomorrow. The cool temperatures have not helped, but in typical Michigan fashion, it is going from the 60s this week to the 80s next week. Perhaps then I will feel more motivated.

Ava canceled last minute on yoga yesterday. She didn't go into detail except to say we were still getting together Saturday. 

Everything is running on autopilot here. I don't have much going on or much to report. That makes me restless. I almost feel better when there is some drama going on. I feel like an NPC, just moving in the background.

General Updates

Firefly and her boyfriend moved into their own apartment over the weekend. I was on standby to help but wasn't needed. She is working and is still keeping herself busy. Good for her.

Tinkerbell leased a new car-- a Ford EcoSport. It was about time because her Kia was on its last leg. She is happy with the car, but not with the car payment.  I didn't tell her a car payment never goes away when you lease, but I don't think she wants to stretch her budget to buy a car.

Max's car is in the shop--again. We took it to the dealership after a local repair shop failed to fix the issue during three attempts. I think we may have to dump that thing and find something else.

As for myself, I have nothing to report. My weekend was uneventful. Twin A and I went to lunch Saturday, but mostly I spent my time alone. The weather was warm enough Sunday for me to do some walking.

Ava and I are going to yoga Tuesday, and she will be spending the night Saturday. Tink and Tech are coming out to my side of town Saturday too. I'm not sure what they want to do other than show off her new car. I am hoping for a short week and an exciting weekend.