It's Me

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room

Friday, Sam and I went to Green Lantern for dinner. I ordered a small gluten-free pizza, and Sam ordered a salad. Our conversation was stilted. We are both people that articulate the things we are thinking, and neither of us has anything new going on in our lives to discuss. 

Sam ordered a second tall Blue Moon beer with her meal. It takes her a long time to finish off these drinks, and she is usually a bit buzzed after. I found myself staring at the glass, wanting her to finish. Sam will not leave before her beer is done. She likes her Blue Moons.

I wanted to leave. I am less inclined to enjoy these nights out. They are triggering in a complex way that I find hard to explain even here. I would never try explaining it to her for fear of insulting her. We have been friends for more than fifteen years. Much has happened during that time. We have both changed. Like an old married couple, you wake up one day and realize you don't recognize the person sleeping next to you.

Stoically, I am sliding into this new phase of my life, yet still hoping for one last fling to extend the fun. Growing bitter about my choices, even though I know I would not change them if given a chance. 

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

It's me, hi, everybody agrees, everybody agrees...Anti Hero, Taylor Swift

Originally Posted March 7, 2009

Six Months Ago

"You've wasted your summer," she said, not for the first time, as if summer marked some invisible boundary of importance more significant than the other seasons.

Sam drew out another cigarette and lit it. She was not ready to leave. The shadows were deepening around us. It was a bright early evening when we entered the restaurant now, no light showed through between the window blinds. Another sign that summer was coming to an end.

I tried to form a reply. I sputtered partial phrases, none of which made much sense. "Don't get defensive, " she continued. "You need to find someone more mature. Someone that can offer you something mentally."

It sounded horribly boring to me. Like watching paint dry-- acrylic paint, not oil-based. No fumes to enjoy. I don't really want someone to challenge me intellectually. I don't really put much thought into things, except people, maybe, and you really don't need a Ph.D. to observe people.

* * *

Last weekend:

Tinkerbell sits at the table in front of my computer, feeding her addiction to mySpace. I am sitting on the counter in the kitchen facing her. "See, he is avoiding the issue, and so are you," I say.

"How can he and you not fight? You are the most annoying person I know! He avoids fighting because he is afraid of losing you. Which means he is probably suppressing issues; eventually, that will make him unhappy."

She listens, and we talk more. The conversation is mentally stimulating. It is a side no one else sees.

Snapshot Of June

 In homage to Sarah H. at Death Wears Diamond Jewelry, who is no longer blogging but is missed.

Listening…I have been jumping around on YouTube. Nothing to recommend.

Reading…  The Untethered Soul by Micheal Singer. I have read this before, but sometimes you need to relearn its lessons.

Watching…I finished Legends of Tomorrow. The last season had some good episodes. I have switched to The Flash, sticking with the Arrowverse.

Creating …  A Lego Star Wars display for the Brickworld show. The show has been moved from September to early November. I don't look forward to moving everything to the show in cold weather, but the venue is closer to my condo. So that is good.

Hoping… Don't have any hopes out there.

Buying… This month I bought a new office chair for the loft area. The old one was hurting my back, and I didn't want to be switching chairs with the one in the Lego room every time I wanted to sit.

Loving... Nothing is really exciting me right now.

Planning… On biking this weekend and going on a kayaking trip in July.

Missing… The early 2000s, seem like everything was more fun then.

Feeling… Like the best times are all behind me, and not looking forward to the challenges that come with aging.

Steady As She Goes

Today I drove to work only to find that I forgot my computer. I decided it wasn't worth returning to the office once I returned home. I will be working the rest of the day from home. It is a slow week. My colleagues in China are on holiday, and several people in the office are on vacation. It's a good judgment call.

It has been lightly raining all morning, but I like the overcast day. We haven't had many this year, so it is a welcome change. I have been debating whether to go out tonight. I think I will just go to BJs warehouse to pick up a new office chair, get a few food items, and call it a day. Driving an hour across town to go to a strip club doesn't sound appealing.

Sam has been working late, so I don't think she will want to get something to eat. Strike that. Sam just called as I was writing this. She is interested in getting dinner. I guess I will be going to dinner and then getting my new office chair.

Otherwise, nothing new has been going on here. I have had no luck in finding a replacement for Ava. It feels like I need to start searching on other sites. There are not many real women on SA anymore. 

It seems the more I hang out on my own, the more I want to be alone. Sometimes I get envious of those around me who have had better luck on dating apps, but then I realize what they consider luck would not be the same as mine. 

When you have completed what you thought you had to do
And your blood's depleted to the point of stable glue
Then you'll get along
And then you'll get along
Steady as she goes (steady as she goes)... Steady As She Goes, The Raconteurs

Constant

The only difference
That I see
Is you are exactly the same 
as you used to be...The Difference, The Wallflowers

I had a coworker stop by the condo the other day. I gave him a tour of the place. He indicated so much space would make him feel lonely. While it may be more than I need, I've never felt lonely in it. My condo has been the one unchanging constant since my divorce. People have come and gone, but the condo and I remain. 

Invisible People

 I met a new woman last night for a coffee date. Life experience has allowed me to pick up on a lot from a simple thirty-minute conversation. My friend Alexis used to work with an ex-stripper turned hairdresser past her prime and looking aged due to tanning, alcohol, and drug use. This woman last night reminded me of her. 

What stuck out to me was her teeth. They were white except between them, where there was heavy evidence of stains from cigarettes and plaque. She has not been to the dentist in years. She dressed nicely in athlete gear. Black stretch pants and a lightweight pink jacket. She said she had one arrangement before, which lasted three years. It sounded more like a situationship, but he kept making promises without following through, and he was an alcoholic. Something they probably had in common. 

She claimed to be thirty-two on the site. I would guess she was closer to forty. Hard years, not from working hard. She was probably very pretty when she was younger. She is still attractive but looking for her golden parachute. I didn't fit the bill. I don't fit the bill. Women in their thirties seem to be the most likely to be looking for the win. 

There is a recently divorced guy about my age at work. The divorce ruined him financially. He has been having some luck on dating sites. He is an average-looking guy. He has been dating a woman for about a month now. When they first meet she indicated he was the twenty-third guy this year she either struck up a conversation with or went on at least one date with. I couldn't imagine going through an equal amount of women in the same about of time. The time alone would be negative. It just goes to show how unbalanced dating sites our.

You figure, though, there are the same amount of women in the US as men. Actually, I think there are slightly more women. Why aren't the numbers more balanced? We are invisible to each other, I suppose. A world of invisible people. 

Legends

 I bought a stand for my phone and downloaded a stop-motion program. I want to make stop-motion Lego videos. I still need to start. I am playing Borderlands 2 again, which has taken up my time. 

I have been trying to get through Legends of Tomorrow, but it is an example of how to ruin a TV show. One of the reasons I decided to watch the show was the cross-overs with the other shows in the Arrowverse. There wasn't one in season seven, which I basically slept through. Season eight is about the writers trying to get back on track. They brought back characters, but I fear it might be too little too late. 

It started as a show about a group of misfit superheroes and villains banning together to save time. By season seven, they took away all the superheroes, filled the ship with women with no powers, and took time travel out of the equation. We are left with a lesbian relationship with no chemistry, the same woman from two different timelines in love with two different guys, a stoner who doesn't seem to serve any purpose, and the last solid male character giving birth to aliens (no wonder he didn't sign up for season 8).

Take away the heroes and villains, and you are left with a show pushing agendas and not telling stories, but isn't that what all the shows have turned into until there is no one left to watch them.

Court

 The district court in Chesterfield is empty on a Wednesday afternoon. It sees few compelling cases. I went there today for my ticket. I got there early, checked in, and was told to sit on one of the benches in the hall. My officer will find me. 

As I waited in the hall, a dozen people checked in and filled the other benches. A young couple sat on a bench near me. They barely looked old enough to drive, let alone to be in traffic court. I overheard the girl say, some of these people seem sketchy. I glanced around the hallway. Everyone was dressed business casual. Everyone except for me. I was dressed in jeans and a pale turquoise American Fighter teeshirt, sleeve of tattoos clearly visible.

I wasn't expecting to go before the judge; I'd probably have worn the same thing even if I was. My police officer came out from the back and called my name. He recalled our conversation when he gave me the ticket. He asked if I had brought my registration, asked me to sign off on the ticket, and everything was waved. The procedure took less than two minutes and occurred in the hallway.

I took an extra day off over the weekend and detoxed from work and the internet for four days. I am becoming more accepting of not working, especially after spending time away. Work provides an income and a schedule, something I allow to slide on weekends and holidays. I don't know how structured I will be without such a schedule.