Barely Breathing

I know what you're doing

I see it all too clear

I only taste the saline

When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going

Wishing on a star

The black holes that surround you

Are heavier by far

I am not making progress.  I could blame it on what is going on in the world but I am not sure that is entirely the case.  I am banging my head against a wall.  I repeat bad habits expecting the outcome to be different and I get depressed when things turn out the same.

Billy is never far from my mind.  She is this construct that I gauge everyone I meet against.  I am not she would measure up to the person in my mind.  If I found this person, the one who soothed all my issues, this perfect match for the imperfection that is me, she would be exactly the wrong person for me.  I know this but I have a hard time accepting it.  

Billy used to say, when she wasn't using she didn't feel like herself.  I understand what she means.  When she is not using she IS herself and that person is a stranger to her.  I am a stranger to myself.  

We spend our lives constructing the world around us to make us comfortable instead of deconstructing what is that makes us need to protect ourselves.  I get the concept and yet I find it extremely hard to practice in this world.

So disappointed follows disappointed,  I keep looking for a quick fix instead of accepting the way things are, because I do not find joy in the way things are.   I would not find joy in the past but I cannot stop thinking about. 

I could stand here waiting

A fool for another day

I don't suppose it's worth the price

It's worth the price, the price

That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

But I'm thinking it over anyway

I'm thinking it over anyway... Barely Breathing, Duncan Shiek

Bunny

Friday the skies were clear but the temperatures remained cool.   I put the top and doors on the Jeep and headed over to a local outdoor mall to meet with a potential replacement for the Gymnast.  I have decide to call her Bunny.  The name has some significance to her.  She used the word as part of her user name and I noticed it was spelled out in the little plastic beads of a bracelet she wore.

Bunny: I don't know if I told you this already, but I will be in cozy clothes nothing fancy.

Bathwater:  Me too.  I am not a fancy guy.  I prefer jeans and tees.  I drive a Jeep not a Lexus.

Bunny:  Haha, nice.  Perfect, I love that.

I made it to the mall early.  She texted me while I was still sitting in my car. 

Bunny: Hello, are you here yet?

Bathwater: I am in the parking lot. 

Bunny:  Me too!  I just got here.

Bathwater: I am heading to the fireplace.

Bunny: What are you wearing?

Bathwater:  Jeans and a blue tee.

I sat down on the ledge of the outdoor fireplace and scanned the crowd.  Some wore masks, some did not.  I was not wearing a mask but I had one around my wrist  in case we decided to enter any of the stores.  Bunny waved to me as she walked up. 

Bunny says she is twenty-two.  She has naturally curly shoulder length brown hair.  She wore a red and white fisherman's bucket hat, a matching red and white long sleeve sweater and light blue mom jeans.  When she sat next to me I noticed rainbow colored socks with the words "Fuck off" printed on them sticking out of her high top white Chuck Taylors.

"I would not have pegged you for having a sleeve," she begins the conversation with.

"No?  It is in the pictures. I have a lot of tattoos.  My back is covered in a similar angels and demons theme," I tell her lifting up my shirt a bit so she can see.  She approves, and that starts us on a discussion about tattoos.  She does not have any but wants one.  She feels society is still not accepting enough of them.

Later I would describe her to Tinkerbell and her boyfriend as coming across as a bit intense.  She has serious nature about her, but she also has an infectious smile.  Bunny is not afraid to discuss the topics most people say away from, religion, politics, and the protests. 

She lives close to me.  I'd say very close.  We shop at the same local grocery store and she works a mile from the condo.  That is a plus.  She is tall, 5' 8", I told her she would be taller than me if she wore heels. she assures me she does not.  I find her typical of the girls her age I meet.  She is sensible and not caught up in the fast fashion we see all around us.

It was early evening but it was chilly beneath the shade of the fireplace.  I suggested we walk a bit in the sun while we continued our conversation.  In total we were together for two hours.  "You are refreshing," I tell her.  "To be honest I came here reluctantly.  I have meet a few disappointments." She understands and tells me about a few of her bizarre encounters. 

We get along mentally.  I hope there is a sexual connection.  I was with her for two hours and I cannot describe her figure to you.  She hides it. None of her pictures are revealing. I think that is on purpose, though I am not sure of the reason.  On the site she called herself curvy.  In my experience that means a few extra pounds but Bunny does not seem fit that description.

We are meeting again this Wednesday.  I am intrigued and a little hopeful that I have found someone to spend a few of these summer days with.

To Illustrate My Point

Something I stumbled on that illustrates the point in my last post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAIP6fI0NAI

1984 to Taoism in One Post

Jules asked my why I try to remain pseudo anonymous on my blogs and in my memoir.  For the record, when and if I publish my memoir it will not be anonymous, but I have been thinking about this a lot during these protests and rallies going on.

My stories are full what some people might find questionable moral activity.  In fact in the next chapter of my book the question of whether I was helping or harming Billy is raised and hotly debated.  My reading audience was torn on the answer.  I think only Billy and I can answer that question.  Was I good for Billy?  I know she would say, I saved her life and got her where she is today.

Was being with Billy good for me?  I feel that Billy will always be both the worst and the best person I will ever be in a relationship with and I came away a stronger person.

Which brings me back to Jule's question, why the anonymity.  I read articles about people being recently fired from their job because they are on the wrong side of the Black Lives Matter protest.  They are caught on video or called out on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram.  In some instances I totally agree with the practice, in others I feel the situation is a bit more of a grey area.  I feel most of life is a grey area though.  I ask myself, is it right to punish ignorance?  One of the founding principals of this country is free speech and I believe through conversation people can learn.

My concern this, all this technology makes it too easy to be video taped or singled out without our consent. Could I be singled out and fired one day for one of my beliefs?  Could one of my socially acceptable opinions today become villainized in the future?  I know a lot of my readers currently live with these fears because of their lifestyle.

The path of life is in the middle where the extremes overlap.  It is not a solid line.  It is a grey area, where to little and to much come together.  That is where you will find me.

Getting Out

Saturday I picked up my older brother and we want to see his accountant.  It was finally time to do my dad's taxes for 2019.  The tax office had Plexiglas shields up around the reception desk.  Everyone was required to wear a mask.  It is the requirement in most places here.

 My older brother is two years older.  I regarded him as he signed us in at the desk.  He is 3 inches taller than me and about 60 pounds heavier.  He was dress in a shiny black synthetic polo shirt and matching black synthetic pants.  He wore worn brown shoes that didn't match the rest of his outfit.  I am not sure if he noticed.  In my eyes we make an odd pair.  I am dressed in a blue graphic tee, plead cargo shorts and black slip-on shoes. 

The accountant kept us waiting an extra thirty minutes.   He looked to be about our age. I found him an odd man.  My brother used the term, "he looks like he is on cocaine".  That is how I would describe him also.  He had a fast and animated way of talking.  He would talk to himself as he entered numbers into his computer and standing up behind his desk for what appeared to be no reason expect nervous energy.  My brother said he has something wrong with him but it has never come up.  Regardless he seemed competent.


After I met up with Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.  We took a ride down to Ferndale.  Tink wanted to by a bike and there was a man there who refurbished them and sold them from his lawn. She ended up buying a powder blue Rollfast bike similar to this one but in better shape.

Bathwater: You realize that bike is 50 years old.  It is probably now the oldest thing you own.

Tinkerbell:  Well it is definitely not the oldest thing I know because you hold that spot.  Now, leave my bike alone.  She is perfect.  I named her Sue after run around Sue.

Going Back

I texted with The Gypsy yesterday.  She confirmed that the Gymnast is still in Arizona.  Apparently she never made it past the state.  The Gypsy said she the Gymnast ditched her for some sugar daddy out there.  From what I have seen on Instagram, he seems like a tool.

My company wants us to start returning to the office two days a week, starting next week.  It is ridiculous request.  There is no reason for us to be in the office and it is against the governor's suggested protocol.  We can do 95% of our work from home.  Going to the office should be on an as needed basis.  Of course the owner is a miniature carbon copy of the President so what do you expect.  Several people are upset about it.  There is little being put into affect to ensure people are protected.  The owner's response to the complaints, "if they don't like it, they can tender there resignation".  I will be updating my resume.

I have an on going office joke.  I have been telling people, much like the computer virus that the owner let into our system by opening an attachment from his email, he will be the one that let's the Covid-19 virus into the office.

I do not particularly like working for this company, or the Chinese automotive supplier we represent. The pay is good, but the work doesn't fill the soul.  I am not afraid of catching the virus.  I just don't want to be responsible for spreading it to friends or family.  I would like things to go back to normal.  I will be selectively returning to some of my old routines.  Some, I will have to do, others I will do because the bring me happiness.

Lost

I am lost.  Summer is here but I do not feel like going outside.  The world outside is as depressing as the one within my walls.  I used to dream of one day just getting in the car and driving away but that doesn't look so inviting anymore.  Riots, masks and social distancing.  I want to say, "Wake me up in 2021", but the future is much like the past and no longer sustains me.  This is all there is.

You tried to lie and say

I was everything

I remember when I said

I'm nothing without you

Somehow I found

A way to get lost in you

Let me inside

Let me get close to you

Change your mind

I'll get lost

If you want me to

Somehow I found

A way to get lost in you... Lost In You, Three Days Grace